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 WHAT MAKES SOMEONE A GOOD LOVER?
I think that men and women are more similar than different when it comes to how they rate their sexual experiences and what they look for in a partner, as a survey in Cosmopolitan recently revealed. Having a laugh is rated highly by men and women, as is appreciating a partner who is comfortable and confident about their own sexuality. Both sexes seem to like the other to take charge sexually - so best to take it in turns!
LOVE YOUR PARTNER'S BODY
It isn't only women who feel insecure about their bodies. Men and women seem to value partners who make them feel good about their physical selves. Most men are aware, even if they don't act on this, that many women doubt their own sexual appeal. Some women, however, seem to think that men are immune to body confidence issues. If you want to be a better lover, make time to appreciate your lover's body. Don't only pay attention to a penis when it is erect. Get to know it in all its facets! Some men are initially embarrassed by partners who show a close interest in a flaccid penis but enjoy the increased feelings of confidence gained when they realise that their body is loved and accepted for what it is and not just for what it can do. Make sure you show and tell your partner what you like about them physically.
TAKE CONTROL
Results from the Cosmo survey were that men and women enjoy it when their partner takes charge of sex. Doing something unexpected, teasing and seducing your partner gets you top marks as a lover. Relying on someone else to always take responsibility does not make you a good lover. It makes you a bit of a lazy lover.
HAVE GREAT ORAL TECHNIQUE
Not surprisingly, this was rated highly - especially by women, most of whom will find this their best chance of having an orgasm. There are vast numbers of books to clue you in on anatomy and technique for giving oral pleasure. Best of all, you can always ask your partner.
HAVE SEXUAL STAMINA
Many women rate a man as a good lover if he can last as long as it takes her to orgasm. For many men, this is a tall order. Expecting all men to wait until women orgasm before they ejaculate is not always going to happen, no matter how much goodwill there is on both sides. Most men will not have learnt how to prolong erection and delay ejaculation and so the choice is to take the time and effort to do this or to let the woman orgasm first/keep stimulating her after your own orgasm. Generosity is as important as stamina.
EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
In the survey, 77% of women stated that the emotional connection between them and their partner is far more important than the physical. This is somewhat of a vague statement as what precisely does 'emotional' mean in this context and surely the two are connected? To me this means that appreciating the person behind the body is as crucial as enjoying the body. Although your body may be being stimulated in a pleasurable way, who wants to feel that they could be just anybody? Men and women who focus too closely on what they are doing (their technique, different positions) and on impressing a partner can find that their partner feels rather emotionally lonely and disconnected.
Overall, confidence in your body and sexuality are at the root of most of what makes a good lover. Often people are accused of selfishness when really they lack faith in their sexual skills and are afraid to try pleasuring their partner in case they fail. You can look for reassurance from others that you are desirable and capable of giving pleasure but really you have to take control of your own sexual confidence.
 THE SEX QUESTION
WHAT ARE YOUR TOP TEN SIGNS OF A GOOD LOVER?
Generalisations are interesting but the specifics are what are going to be most useful if you want to improve your sex life. When I work with clients, I often ask them to make a list like this.
What are the top Ten qualities and attributes that make someone a good lover?
It makes you clarify what you value about sex and what qualities and attributes you most enjoy in a sexual partner. After such a list is produced, you can play around with it.
Rate your current sexual situation against these factors.
Thinking about past partners and relationships can be helpful. This works well for for people who are pining for a past relationship that was sexually all-consuming but emotionally less satisfying. Sometimes a current relationship helps you be emotionally content but lacks sexual fire. Doing this exercise helps you identify precisely what you miss now and gives you a chance to find it again, perhaps in a slightly different way.
Rate yourself agaist your Top Ten.Are you your own idea of a good lover?
Giving a number to sexual performance is not generally an idea that I encourage but in this instance, it is an exercise to help you find out what is important and not something that gives you permission to blame and shame past and present partners. If you have in mind that you yourself co-create any sexual relationship, then blame is best removed from your sexual vocabulary. | 
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