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WELCOME TO THE OCTOBER ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE
 THE TAKING CHARGE ISSUE
It's been Mortgage Month for me, which is - shall I say - somewhat challenging. I'm balancing finances, good schools, cat safety, amount of space, proximity to countryside and our subjective emotional response, alongside looking after Eden and dealing with a poorly cat.
And I have also booked to look around nurseries next week after months of prevarication.
View my latest blog post here:
This month is about taking charge of your sex life and your sexuality. I have been having a clear out in preparation for our move and started re-reading old session notes. I have decided that for the next few months the newsletter will be based more directly on actual client breakthroughs and experiences, rather than the more generic 'big themes' that I've covered before. I hope you like it.
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 DR TARA'S TOP TIP : SEXUAL COMPROMISE
Perhaps the idea of compromise is not the most exciting way to start a newsletter but, as I said, this is based on real life now! Whereas there may not always be perfect solutions, there are nearly always workable compromises, which both parties feel comfortable with.
I have sometimes worked with clients who wanted to film themselves and their partners having sex, whilst their partner completely rejected the idea. On each occasion, the person wanting the filming was male, his partner, female.
Is he 'wrong' in some way for being excited at the idea of performing for the camera and then watching himself being sexual? No. Is she 'wrong' for being turned off by the idea of intimate sexual display? Of course not.
Each of these couples needed to accept that this is not a case of right versus wrong. Clients worry that the things they want and reject sexually say and mean more than they actually do. There is nothing 'wrong' with not wanting to be filmed. It doesn't mean you are lacking in confidence, insecure, not sexually sophisticated or a poor and uninteresting lover. It can only mean that exhibitionism is not part of your sexuality. At this time.
The couples reached compromises by using a mirror, so that the man could watch himself and his partner, but she did not have to watch at all. For instance, she might give him oral sex with a mirror behind her, so he can watch but she does not need to see.
It's not ever just about what people do sexually or don't want to do that messes us up. It is the attitudes that go with it. The way that sexual cause and effect can be made to work. If you don't like being filmed, you must be insecure, boring, passive, unexciting etc. That sort of thinking is itself lazy and simplistic. For the couples I worked with, coaching with me enabled all parties to accept and value their own sexual desires without needing to denigrate and criticise anyone else's.
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 What part of you is in charge of your sexual life?
This series of questions came out of a session I had with a male client who had really bought into the idea that sexual 'success' is the man's responsibility. Men should perform and please the woman - great!- but he had assumed the burden of living up to the idea of a sexual performance standard that his own pleasure was almost totally nonexistent. At one point he told me that he thought 'the wrong part of me is in charge of my sexuality'. What a great insight and it led to a big breakthrough. From this work, I developed some questions to help people identify the degree of self-acceptance they had towards their own sexuality.
Q1What might be the 'wrong' part of you that is in control of your sexuality?
Q1 enables people to identify and give a name to the part that holds them back. People often use animal metaphors here - such as mouse, rabbit, puppy, kitten. Usually it will be an animal that is small, unformed, cute, soft, non-threatening and timid and, crucially, most usually not yet an adult. (Cars are popular choices for men - from a fiesta to a Ferrari!)
Q2What is another word for 'wrong' that makes even better sense to you?
We need to learn that no part is wrong, it's just a part of us that is not helping at the moment. We are none of us perfect at supporting and looking after ourselves and we must acknowledge that what is wrong is also performing some purpose for us. So, clients have called this part the scared, frightened, anxious part of them.Naming it but not seeing it as wrong.
Q3What would you want to tell this X (insert new word from Q2) part of you?
This question can seem odd but it taps into someone's hidden wisdom, that which they know but are not aware of knowing. Almost every time, this question provides a valuable insight that we go on to work with. Clients create self-supportive and encouraging and positive statements to help them connect with their sexuality in a nurturing and healthy way. Clients find ways to not reject this part but to find out how other parts of their self could take over the task of sexual acceptance for a while. It is important not to reject but to put forward another way of doing and feeling about sex.
Q4What is the best word for the right part of you that wants to take more control over your sexuality?
Again animals feature heavily: the beast, lion/ness, tiger/tigress, panther - animals renowned for strength, confidence, aggression, empowerment, elegance and beauty. Men often have problems accepting that this part of them need not be dangerous or threatening to a woman. Woman have found it helpful to recognise that powerful sexuality is not necessarily going to scare off potential partners.
Q5 How do you want to welcome in this new part? What do you want to say?
What words will help you to connect with this powerful part of yourself?
These questions take the client on a journey from thinking there is something wrong with them to identifying a powerful aspect of themselves that can help them to live out their sexuality in a positive, powerful and profound way.
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 THE SEX QUESTION - what's your sexual animal?
This is a bit of fun for anyone interested in learning more about their sexuality.
Can you identify an animalistic side to your sexuality? Choosing an animal tells you a lot about how you view yourself, your sexuality and sex in general.
What animal best represents your sexuality?
What animal would represent the kind of sexual person you would like to be?
Some people can see a very positive animalistic side to their sexuality, which is already very fulfilling and would not benefit from efforts to change it. For other people, through this exercise they are aware that they are withholding a lot from how they express themselves. Exploring the qualities of their chosen animals and discovering the meanings they attach to them helps us to uncover more about the kind of sexual future they most want for themselves.
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 WHO AM I?
You have been reading a newsletter lovingly crafted by me, Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. I work as a sex, relationship and singles coach.
Sex coaching helps you to make sex about pleasure not performance. You can increase your confidence, calm your sexual anxieties, explore your sexual style and remove the emotional and physical blocks that might reduce your capacity for sexual and sensual pleasure. I work with people who have chosen to do all that they can to make their ideal sex life a reality.
Relationship coaching helps you to communicate more successfully, reduces conflict and enables you to understand your own and your partner's needs, priorities and desires by working out what's not working, what needs to change and how to move forward. It is also about fun and excitement and discovering things about yourself and each other that you never knew. My clients are people who feel that something important is missing from their relationship and who often aren't sure whether the relationship is worth saving.
Singles coaching will help you to reflect upon the role that you want a relationship to play in the new and exciting life that you will make for yourself. Are YOU ready for a relationship? Well find out. I work with people who want to build their self-knowledge, self-esteem and to massively increase their confidence, optimism, purpose and joy in life.
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK WITH ME?
I coach individuals and couples to get in touch with what makes them sexually happy, confident and fulfilled, resolve relationship dissatisfactions and help you to discover a life full of hope, passion and purpose.
Sex, relationship and singles coaching helps you to examine your life, your relationship (or lack of one) and sexual satisfaction and enables you to bring back optimism, courage and direction to the sex life you create and the person you want to become.
GET YOUR SELF, YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR SEX LIFE BACK IN BALANCE.
Get in touch with me now to arrange a free consultation.
If you know that your sex life is making you feel frustrated and frustrating, bored and boring, undesirable and without desire, then get in touch to arrange a time for us to talk. I offer a free 20-30 minute consultation, in which we can get to know each other better and decide how well we might work together.
Almost all sexual problems are resolvable when you face up to where your sex life is going wrong. You can choose not to settle for second-best and to make your sex life about confidence, pleasure and play rather than sadness, resentment and disappointment.
I would love to hear any comments, suggestions about issues you would like to read about in future and I am happy to answer reader questions in future newsletters.
I will never limit your sexual potential and fully support all forms of sexual behaviour between consenting adults.
I WOULD LIKE TO ENLIST YOUR HELP IN BUILDING MY READERSHIP.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL USING THE LINK BELOW TO ANY PEOPLE YOU THINK WILL BE INTERESTED. |
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