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WELCOME TO THE OCTOBER ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE
THE IMAGE ISSUE
Welcome back everyone and a warm greeting to all of my new readers.
I am happy to report that Eden is now 11 weeks old and fast approaching the 'magic' age of 12 weeks. This is when, the books inform us, you and your baby become more settled. True to this timetable, Eden has started to sleep during the early evenings instead of constant unsettled crying and fussing and Simon and I have begun to reclaim our evenings together. All in all, life is becoming much more enjoyable. More thoughts are here on my blog:
http://venturesque.typepad.com/venturesque/2008/10/getting-to-grips-with-motherhood.html
This month's issue is about image - the image we present to other people, the image we have of ourselves and the way that, perhaps, our partner reflects an image of our parents.
My Top Tip is about asking you to delve deep into the image you have of your own sexual self.
Does your partner remind you of your parents? In the main article, I explain IMAGO, a new relationship therapy that helps you recognise what attracts you to your partner and offers you a way of making choices to understand yourself better.
The Sex Question asks you to think about the image that you present to other people.
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 DR TARA'S TOP TIP - WHO AM I?
The more I work with people in sexual difficulty, the more I realise that understanding and accepting your own sexuality is crucial for fulfilment, communication and authenticity. This is not as easy as experimenting with a few novel sexual positions because this process of coming-to-know encourages vulnerability and reflection. It is, though, far more rewarding.
1. Imagine you are describing your sexual nature to someone else. What would you say?
Many clients have found this easier if they write in the third person because it makes a sense of detachment easier to inhabit.
2. What does this person value most in their sexuality?
3. What are they most afraid of, sexually?
4. If you could tell this person one thing about sex, what would it be?
5. What does this person need to do in order to have a more fulfilling sex life?
Answering these questions has opened up interesting and profound areas of discussion for myself and my clients. I hope it can do the same for you.
If you are in a relationship, ask your partner to go through this process and compare your responses.
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 IMAGO - THE NEW RELATIONSHIP THERAPY
Since being endorsed by Oprah, Imago therapy has been receiving a fair amount of press attention. I cannot claim to be able to vouch for its effectiveness but it is an interesting exercise to undertake and to see if the result resonates with you.
Imago (Latin for Image) was created by Harville Hendrix (Getting the Love You Want). It is rooted in the belief that the love relationships we choose can heal our emotional wounds and meet unmet needs from childhood. So, an absent and emotionally distant father might mean that you are attracted to elusive and aloof partners, in the hope that this time you will be able to get your needs met by making your partner behave in the way you always wanted your father to. You won't be able to and this is when problems develop.
The first step is to work out your personal blueprint by filling in this questionnaire.
1. List all the negative characterisitics of your male and female parents/carers - as you felt about them when you were a child. This is list A.
2. List all the positive qualities of your male and female parents/carers. Label this list B.
3. List C is the things you most needed and wanted as a child.
4. For list D, think of positive childhood memories and how you felt at the time (loved, secure, special etc)
5. Think of the recurring frustrations of your childhood and your feelings about them. (being ignored, feeling angry etc) This is List E.
You create your blueprint by identifying the most important responses in each category and using them to complete this sentence.
I am attracted to (or at times perceive my partner to be) a person who is (answer from list) A, in order to get them to be B, so that I can be/have C and feel D. I sometimes stop myself getting this by being E.
I think the value in this is not in blaming our parents for what they failed to give us, but in recognising how we now act and react when our emotional buttons are pressed (often unknowingly) by the people close to us.
It is certainly an exercise that I might set a client and ask her/him to bring the results along for discussion during a coaching session. I would ask someone to pick the 3 most significant response from each list and create 3 different blueprints. Then choose the one that feels most insightful and how you act and react. |
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 THE SEX QUESTION this month asks you to consider:
WHAT IMAGE DO I WANT OTHERS TO HAVE OF ME?
Many sexual and relationship frustrations and dissatisfactions originate and are perpetuated by us, unwillingly or deliberately, presenting an image of ourselves to others that does not reflect who we truly are. This exercise is something that I often do with single people looking for a relationship. It comes as a series of 3 questions.
What are the differences between how you want to be seen and how you really are/feel inside?
What are the benefits of holding on to these differences?
What are the costs of maintainng these differences?
Often it does help to be working with a coach or other person who can provide a view of you from the outside. What we would gain from this exercise is a clearer sense of your vulnerabilities, anxieties and the specific kind of 'front' you put up to prevent people from knowing about these parts of you. At least we think it stops us from being fully known. It doesn't. People can see through an act and usually the act itself is less appealling than the truth of who you are: images don't fool that many people for much of the time.
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 WHO AM I?
You have been reading a newsletter lovingly crafted by me, Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. I work as a sex, relationship and singles coach.
Sex coaching helps you to make sex about pleasure not performance. You can increase your confidence, calm your sexual anxieties, explore your sexual style and remove the emotional and physical blocks that might reduce your capacity for sexual and sensual pleasure. I work with people who have chosen to do all that they can to make their ideal sex life a reality.
Relationship coaching helps you to communicate more successfully, reduces conflict and enables you to understand your own and your partner's needs, priorities and desires by working out what's not working, what needs to change and how to move forward. It is also about fun and excitement and discovering things about yourself and each other that you never knew. My clients are people who feel that something important is missing from their relationship and who often aren't sure whether the relationship is worth saving.
Singles coaching will help you to reflect upon the role that you want a relationship to play in the new and exciting life that you will make for yourself. Are YOU ready for a relationship? Well find out. I work with people who want to build their self-knowledge, self-esteem and to massively increase their confidence, optimism, purpose and joy in life. | |
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK WITH ME?
I coach individuals and couples to get in touch with what makes them sexually happy, confident and fulfilled, resolve relationship dissatisfactions and help you to discover a life full of hope, passion and purpose.
Sex, relationship and singles coaching helps you to examine your life, your relationship (or lack of one) and sexual satisfaction and enables you to bring back optimism, courage and direction to the sex life you create and the person you want to become.
GET YOUR SELF, YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR SEX LIFE BACK IN BALANCE.
Get in touch with me now to arrange a free consultation.
If you know that your sex life is making you feel frustrated and frustrating, bored and boring, undesirable and without desire, then get in touch to arrange a time for us to talk. I offer a free 20-30 minute consultation, in which we can get to know each other better and decide how well we might work together.
Almost all sexual problems are resolvable when you face up to where your sex life is going wrong. You can choose not to settle for second-best and to make your sex life about confidence, pleasure and play rather than sadness, resentment and disappointment.
I would love to hear any comments, suggestions about issues you would like to read about in future and I am happy to answer reader questions in future newsletters.
I will never limit your sexual potential and fully support all forms of sexual behaviour between consenting adults.
I WOULD LIKE TO ENLIST YOUR HELP IN BUILDING MY READERSHIP.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL USING THE LINK BELOW TO ANY PEOPLE YOU THINK WILL BE INTERESTED. |
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