UK Sex Coach, Sex Coaching

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WELCOME TO THE NOVEMBER ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE

the SINGLES issue

Welcome to all of my new subscribers and a warm greeting to all of my regular readers.

This dark month begins the annual struggle to find amusement for a 2 year old when it is getting dark earlier and earlier. Indoor entertainment for a gang of rowdy toddlers is a tricky enterprise, necessitating much bargaining, compromise and plenty of food (ie bribery). Eden is sometimes a delight but often a defiant and stroppy nightmare. But who would have it any other way????

Since launching my singles coaching web page, I have been working with loads more single people asking me 'why am I still single?'. So, this month let me try and answer this question. Since I have worked with many people over the years I can clearly see patterns of obstacles, belief systems and actions (or lack of action!) that mean you are making it hard to meet someone new.

SPECIAL COACHING OFFER FOR SUBSCRIBERS TO VENTURESQUE

As a thank you to all the support and feedback I get from you , my loyal readers, I would like to offer a special discount rate for subscribers to Venturesque.

A BLOCK OF 4 COACHING SESSIONS WITH ME WILL COST ONLY £210 instead of the usual £250 for all new clients who are subscribers to this newsletter, Venturesque.
If you are interested, email me at : tara@aragoncoaching.co.uk.

Tell me the email address that receives Venturesque and we'll have a chat about how coaching can help and inspire you to a brighter sexual future.

This offer is for the first 4 sessions only. After that, the fee reverts to the usual £250.

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DETAILS OF MY COACHING SERVICES AND MY
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DR TARA'S TOP TIP : GET OUTSIDE and live your own life!

There is no doubt about it. You are highly unlikely to meet someone if you do not participate fully in life. Finding a new relationship is a fine balance between creating the optimum state for you to be in to enable you to connect with the right kind of person for you and learning to focus solely on YOU and your life. Working on your dreams and goals ensures that you possess an attractive energy that draws people in because your life is fun, rewarding and full. I have worked with many people whose desperation and belief that they 'needed' to be in a relationship meant that they put the rest of their life on hold. Please do not allow yourself to stop trying to please yourself because you are wating for someone to make you happy. This will not happen!

SO WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?

Here they are, the top 5 reasons that I know keep people single and stop them connecting with new people.

BANISH THE RULE BOOK

Successful dating (in fact being successful at anything) means that you are able to feel authentic; that you are the same on the outside as you feel on the inside. Almost all of my single clients tell me the pressures of the dating scene mean that when they meet someone new they experience a disconnection between how they seem to others and how they feel inside. The reasons for this are varied. You may feel that there are various dating 'rules' that dictate your behaviour (when to call, how long to wait before replying to a text, dating the 'right' kind of person etc). Following someone else's rules will undermine your confidence because it takes you further away from listening to yourself. Your choices become determined by a spurious set of rules, which leave you feeling insecure, anxious and confused. In coaching I work with clients to help them to create a set of their own rules and this clarity gives them greater confidence and strength. You learn to see dating as more of a game that an ordeal. When your self-esteem is not at stake, you gain freedom to enjoy connecting with new people.

AUTHENTICITY/DISCONNECTION CONUNDRUM
Women are especially liable to a feeling of disconnection from their own sexuality when they are dating. They tell me that they spend so long trying to BE desirable that they lose touch with their own desire. Women can dress and pamper themselves into feeling that they look desirable to others but this focus on appearance comes at a cost. Clients tell me they feel that how they look (sexy, confident) does not match how they are, how they feel (lacking in confidence, insecure) and so they then fear disappointing a partner by not being as sexy and confident as they seem. Female sexuality takes a battering in a environment in which how we look is emphasised at the cost of who we are. Many women really do seem to believe that all men are looking for a sexually voracious vixen who will jump on them and drag them into bed. Based on the male clients I work with, this is absolutely untrue. Some men will be on a conquest hunt but then it is your job to weed out these men. Unless of course that is what you're after. Men also can feel that they 'must' adopt an appropriately masculine form of seduction, which they experience as fraudulent and draining. There is nothing wrong in wanting to be YOU when you meet someone but hundreds of books on dating have given the impression that dating demands a rigid strategy of manipulation and concealing of the self in order to be successful. Why is this? It is ridiculous. Don't fall for it. Be stronger than that.

BECOME THE CHOOSER

Choosing a partner and avoiding the people that aren't going to be right for you is another key skill to master. Being able to approach people who interest you is one of the biggest obstacles that coaching can support you with, yet it is so important. If you wait to see who chooses you and never take the first step, you are limiting your potential dates immeasurably. I have helped many people realise that talking to people who interest and attract you need not be a trial. In fact, it can be fun. You need to be able to realise that nobody is attractive to everyone, some people are resistant to forming relationships and that nobody can take away your self-esteem and sense of your own attractiveness.

LEARN FROM THE PAST Your past dates and relationships will tell you a wealth of useful information about the type of person you choose to date, who you attract and who you like to spend time with. It will also give you clues about any patterns of mistakes, bad judgement and self-sabotage that may lead you to make bad choices for yourself. All of us could know this but most people that come to me for singles coaching have never evaluated their dating past. A history of dates that do not progress beyond one or two meetings is demoralising and draining but if you choose to look more seriously at what happened and take a closer look at the person you chose to date, there are often warning signs that this person was never into serious dating. Some people are not interested in long-term relationships and these people will give you clues, which you may chose to ignore. Perhaps the way you interact and the impression you give about how interested you are may be misleading. If you are keen, do you let someone know this or expect them to guess? During coaching we look at patterns in the kind of person you attract, the people who attract you, the places you go to meet people and any patterns in how your relationships develop and end.

EXCUSES, EXCUSES If you have been single for a while, you probably are somewhat ambivalent about starting a relationship. You have a familiar life, with no-one to answer to. Instead of tackling this head-on, many of us take refuge in The Excuse. I have heard many.

Why should I try and meet someone when they might live far away and how would I keep a long-distance relationship going?

Do I really want to be with someone who would stop me seeing my friends and want to spend too much time with me?

There's no point because I am just too busy!

There's no point because there are no decent men/women around.

And this is before they even meet someone. People seem to fear having less time for themselves and their friends and their work. These are all things you have control over. Nobody can make you give up what is precious to you. Relationships are all about compromise and finding ways to make both of you happy. It is possible to keep parts of what you love about your life and still have a happy relationship.

Remember most of all that an unknown future partner is scary because s/he is just that; unknown. When you meet someone you connect with and are attracted to, you have exciting feelings such as desire, joy, excitement to propel you through the stuff that may seem so hard to you now. The attitude you take with you when you meet people has an effect on how you are perceived and the energy you give out. When you can develop secure self-esteem, appreciate dating with a sense of fun and exploration, you have a great chance of connecting with the right person at the right time.

THE SEX QUESTION - WHEN DO THINGS START TO GO WRONG?

A very helpful question that I ask my single clients is when does it all start to go wrong?

Through looking at this question we can discover much that is helpful.

Do you have trouble even meeting anyone to date? (so, you may have issues with confidence, shyness, insecurity, inaction, afraid of your lack of experience, not knowing where to go)

Do you date often but find you never progress beyond 1 or 2 meetings? (commitment, intimacy, connection issues and how you come across to others, have you tackled your ambivalence, do you make excuses to stop seeing someone, do you seem disinterested, bored, unenthusiastic?)

Do you find that your confidence decreases over time? Women often tell me that they were more sexual and open and adventurous in the beginning and feel they are letting their partners down if this does not continue) It is not uncommon for emotional intimacy that develops over time to dull sexual desire because some people find it hard to reconcile wild sexuality with domesticity and routine communication. In this case we discuss what intimacy means to you, your sexual history, how inhibition develops etc.

Do you always break up with someone after a few months? Do you need to talk about any ambivalence you feel about making a commitment? Are you being too picky to disguise your own lack of clarity about what you want? Are you waiting for The One? No-one is ever perfect. Are you high on drama and less keen on everyday life with your new partner?

Do you swing between intense infatuation and sudden disinterest? Could you be addicted to being in love and be struggling with all the stuff that comes after you REALLY get to know someone? Do you love romance and drama and find it hard to accept that real intimacy and love develop over time and through adversity and accepting each other's differences?

Are you in fact a total dating disaster, making other people suffer for your previous hurt and pain? This happens. Some people react to hurt and sadness by becoming overtly cynical, cold and manipulative and never sharing anything of themselves. This often works for a while. You manage to dampen your feelings so that you take pleasure in conquest and sexual victories but it will lose its appeal over time.

If you are a single person, take a look and consider where you stand. Where does it all start to go wrong for you? And what are you going to do to make your life start to go right? And stay right?

WHO AM I?