UK Sex Coach, Sex Coaching

A journalist contacted me recently wanting to find some clients who had become more sexually and bodily confident as a result of coaching. She quoted me some statistics that I found interesting and depressing. Not sure where they're from but let's go with it anyway.

A study of 3000 women aged 18-50 has revealed that:

1 in 20 women never have sex whilst sober because they don't like their bodies

Four out of ten have always been a bit tipsy when they have slept with a partner for the first time,

75% of women said they liked to drink before getting into bed with their partner

Leaving aside the probability that body image is not the sole reason for women's seeming lack of sexual confidence, I have nonetheless found that many women's enjoyment of sex is seriously reduced because of the feelings she has about her body. I have been looking through notes and have come up with 7 of the best ideas for helping you to stop worrying so much about your body. These ideas were all created, tried and tested in sessions with clients and were very successful.

Stop talking about your weight - For some women, feeling embarrassed about their body means that they feel compelled to talk incessantly about their weight and their supposed faults and flaws. They want to get in first, to say to people 'don't think I don't know that you might think I'm fat, shapeless, lazy, undesirable etc'. Making jokes about your bodily dissatisfaction does not endear you to people. They don't know how to react and the energy you give out is defeated and self-loathing.

Think about all the things that your body can DO. To generalise, the reason that women are overly preoccupied with their looks is that their physical worth is in terms of their aesthetic appeal rather than in functional ability; i.e. what their bodies look like and not what they can do. Men have far more opportunity and encouragement to value their bodies for what they can do. A more functional appreciation of one's body means that what we look like is superceded by our abilities and skills e.g. playing football/tennis/rugby, to be strong, to swim etc. When clients have tried reconnecting with their body by, for example, taking tango lessons, going out dancing, playing more sport, they have been able to reconnect with their body in terms of what it can do, not what it looks like. This also helps you to think about your body as a whole, as belonging to you and not just in terms of specific parts.

Look in the mirror at 3 times a day and pay yourself a compliment.

How hard can this be? This is simple. Almost everyone has some part of their body that they can at least start with.

Trying wearing something different. Find an item of clothing you like but haven't worn for a while and wear it. Start small if you wish but changing the way you dress means you change how you see yourself. Change colour first if you don't want to change your style and see if you start to feel different about your body. One of my clients used this exercise to go through her existing wardrobe and throw away anything she could not fit into and had not fit into for over 2 years. She said that Keeping clothes that were too small was like a constant taunt. She also went through her clothes with 2 friends and committed to getting rid of at least 5 items of clothing that did fit but were deemed by all 3 to be seriously unflattering.

Go shopping - alone or with a friend - and treat yourself.

This isn't bad for coaching homework is it? It did work well. A client went with a friend with the intention of buying 'something that looks good but I need to brave to wear it'.

Make sure you do things in your life that are fun. Don't wait to lose weight before treating yourself. Coaching someone through body image must focus on other areas of life to ensure that the client is not missing out on opportunities and new experiences whilst she waits for a body that will probably never be hers.

Write out a list of all the compliments that anyone (partners, friends, parents - anyone!) has paid you about your body. And keep adding to it and re-read it regularly.

Each of these ideas began a process of conscious change for my clients. They had each decided that they would not let their dissatisfaction with their body stop them from living a full and enjoyable life. This month's Sex Question continues this theme.