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WELCOME TO THE NOVEMBER ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE
 THE NUMBERS ISSUE
Life is pretty good in the Few-Finch household at the moment. Eden has slept for 8 hours for the last 3 nights. The credit goes to her new baby hammock - the Natures Nest - which lulls her gently to sleep for many hours at a time. Finally, she is out of our bed! She has also now learnt to laugh out loud. Aaahh.
This month's issue is about numbers. Many people who contact me really want to know how 'normal' they are and whether their sexuality is within the bounds of taste, is not 'too' kinky, boring or weird.
My top tip is to clear your mind of gender stereotyping when it comes to sexual behaviour.
The main article gives you some information about 'average' sexuality; what is normal sex?
The sex question asks 'who wants to be normal?' anyway. |
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DETAILS OF MY COACHING SERVICES AND MY
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DR TARA'S TOP TIP
NO MORE GENDER STEREOTYPES!
Banishing gender stereotyping is a mightly purpose for a newsletter! It is, however, one of the most important things you can do to improve your sexual authenticity, reduce your need to judge other people and increase the quality of your sex life. Often we allow our anxieties about sex to interfere with our confidence and enjoyment. Beliefs we have about what is the 'right' way for a man or woman to behave during sex are likely to be unimportant to our partner but can disrupt our own sexual fulfilment.
A large part of people's concerns about their sexuality is about whether they are 'manly' or 'feminine' enough. Feeling that you are too much of a woman or not enough of a man leads people to misrepresent their sexual desires to other people and sometimes even to themselves. You need to bring the whole of your sexual self to bed - not just the parts you think are acceptable and normal enough not to alarm anyone else!
There are women who like to have sex often and men who are happy with less sex. Both are normal, since normality extends to a wide range of behaviours, feelings and desires but both contradict many of the messages that we receive from our
culture(s) about normal male and female sexuality. It can be difficult to construct your own sexual world and beliefs but it is essential if you are to embrace the sexual person that you are. Accepting yourself also means resisting the urge to judge your partner and expecting them to match up to your idea of how they should behave and what they should want to do or say.
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 WHAT IS 'NORMAL' SEX?
Questions about what constitutes 'normal' sex are some of the commonest enquiries that I receive. I don't think that people actually want to be 'average' but they do want to feel that their sexual tastes and choices are not too far out of the ordinary.
The statistics I am using are from the October 2008 SEX UNCOVERED survey conducted by The Observer newspaper. This survey is not the truth of sexual activity in Britain but it is a useful way in to talk about common questions that I get asked.
SEXUAL EXPERIENCE - how many sexual partners have you had?
The average person has had 9 sexual partners, although averages are pretty meaningless figures in themselves. More interesting is the fact that only 20% of the population have had more than 10 sexual partners. People often tell me that their lack of experience makes them feel sexually unadventurous and this impinges upon their confidence. There seems to be an assumption that the more partners you have, the better lover you are or the more 'sexual' you are as a person. Neither of these is true and most people imagine that other people have way more partners than they actually do. Quality counts, not quantity. I don't think it is difficult to build up a pretty large number of partners. Much more tricky to actually focus on having a mutually enjoyable sexual encounter.
SEXUAL CONFIDENCE - how would you rate your sexual performance?
One of the things that undermines people's belief in the inheherent 'rightness' of their own sexuality is assuming that other people are more skilled and better lovers than we are. 24% rate their sexual performance as very good. This means that three-quarters of us think that we are, at best good and at worst, very poor in bed. Many people are anxious about sex, forgetting that the identity of our partner impacts upon sexual performance. Performance is really all about confidence and having a partner who supports your belief in your desirability makes you a good lover with that person. Sex shouldn't be a performance. If it is, your beliefs about sex could benefit from some self-reflection and examination. Focusing on your own performance makes you want to please your partner in order to uphold your own self-esteem rather than wanting to give pleasure for the sake of it.
SEXUAL SATISFACTION - are you currently satisfied with your sex life?
76% said yes, 24% said no. A quarter of people cannot find a way to create the kind of sexual connections and experiences that they would like to be having. This result is unusual as typically most surveys report over 50% dissatisfaction rates.
Those aged 65 and over were more satisfied than those aged 16-24. People in long-term relationships/marriage are more satisfied than single people, although single people report having sex more often. Again, frequency is no guarantee of good sex. Nor is youth and beauty. Of course, we don't know what satisfied means to the people who answered the questions. No sex can be satisfactory for some people. In fact, 36% of 16-24 year olds believe that it is possible to have a happy relationship/marriage without sex.
SEXUAL FREQUENCY - how often do you have sex?
I think this is THE most common worry that people have. Am I having sex often enough? Is my level of desire normal? 25% do not have any sex in an average month. Not everybody is having a lot of sex and it is likely that many of those are perfectly happy with their situation. Another 25% have sex between 6-10 times a month. Most people do not, except maybe at the beginning of a relationship, have vast amounts of sex all the time. A lot of people believe that everyone has more sex than they do. And they worry about this. Frequency needs to be looked at in relation to satisfaction before people start getting concerned about how much or how little they have sex. If you're happy and your partner is satisfied, then you're lucky - regardless of how little or often you are actually having sex.
SEXUAL DESIRE - how do you rate your sex drive?
Levels of desire is another area that people get hung up about. People worry, should I want to have sex more than I actually do? In the survey 32% rate their sex drive as average, 24% describe their libido as low or very low. Most people do not see themselves as possessing a high sex drive. Only 1 in 5 rate their sex drive as very high. Desire ebbs and flows and this is normal and to be expected.
Sexual honesty and deep conversation about sex with a range of people is not something that many of us are lucky enough to experience. We rely on our assumptions, insecurities and fears to 'imagine' that other people's sexual experiences are more frequent, enjoyable and adventurous than our own. Whilst surveys give us averages and the ordinary, they can also reveal that sexuality is diverse and normality is difficult - and rather pointless - to define. |
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 THE SEX QUESTION - WHO WANTS TO BE NORMAL?
What makes us so afraid to stand up and stand out when it comes to our sexuality? Most people play safe and so do not enable their sexual potential to be explored and attained. The crucial question to ask yourself is:
if I am NOT sexually normal, what does it mean?
Each of us will have our own reasons as to what it means if we feel that our sexual desires, tastes and experiences are not the same as most other people's. We are free to choose what our sexuality means and not to be dictated to by cultural standards of acceptability. One size does not fit all when it comes to the magnificent variety of preferences, needs, desires, beliefs and opinions that we hold.
It doesn't mean that we all worry that we are too sexually outrageous. Some may feel that if they don't want sex 'enough' then they are just not very sexual people, which can soon become a belief that one is not desirable and so does not deserve anything else. We forget that sexuality changes over years and from day to day and so defining ones sexuality is not a fixed and final process.
As well as reassuring people that 'normal' sexuality is impossible to define, I also discuss the what it means to them to be normal. Why do they seem to want their sexuality to be sanctioned by its apparent ordinariness? This gets to the root of fears about sex and what sex represents. Addressing such concerns contributes to a big increase in people's confidence, authenticity and self-acceptance. |
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 WHO AM I?
You have been reading a newsletter lovingly crafted by me, Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. I work as a sex, relationship and singles coach.
Sex coaching helps you to make sex about pleasure not performance. You can increase your confidence, calm your sexual anxieties, explore your sexual style and remove the emotional and physical blocks that might reduce your capacity for sexual and sensual pleasure. I work with people who have chosen to do all that they can to make their ideal sex life a reality.
Relationship coaching helps you to communicate more successfully, reduces conflict and enables you to understand your own and your partner's needs, priorities and desires by working out what's not working, what needs to change and how to move forward. It is also about fun and excitement and discovering things about yourself and each other that you never knew. My clients are people who feel that something important is missing from their relationship and who often aren't sure whether the relationship is worth saving.
Singles coaching will help you to reflect upon the role that you want a relationship to play in the new and exciting life that you will make for yourself. Are YOU ready for a relationship? Well find out. I work with people who want to build their self-knowledge, self-esteem and to massively increase their confidence, optimism, purpose and joy in life.
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK WITH ME?
I coach individuals and couples to get in touch with what makes them sexually happy, confident and fulfilled, resolve relationship dissatisfactions and help you to discover a life full of hope, passion and purpose.
Sex, relationship and singles coaching helps you to examine your life, your relationship (or lack of one) and sexual satisfaction and enables you to bring back optimism, courage and direction to the sex life you create and the person you want to become.
GET YOUR SELF, YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR SEX LIFE BACK IN BALANCE.
Get in touch with me now to arrange a free consultation.
If you know that your sex life is making you feel frustrated and frustrating, bored and boring, undesirable and without desire, then get in touch to arrange a time for us to talk. I offer a free 20-30 minute consultation, in which we can get to know each other better and decide how well we might work together.
Almost all sexual problems are resolvable when you face up to where your sex life is going wrong. You can choose not to settle for second-best and to make your sex life about confidence, pleasure and play rather than sadness, resentment and disappointment.
I would love to hear any comments, suggestions about issues you would like to read about in future and I am happy to answer reader questions in future newsletters.
I will never limit your sexual potential and fully support all forms of sexual behaviour between consenting adults.
I WOULD LIKE TO ENLIST YOUR HELP IN BUILDING MY READERSHIP.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL USING THE LINK BELOW TO ANY PEOPLE YOU THINK WILL BE INTERESTED. |
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