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THE JOY OF SEXUAL FANTASY
I am interested in fantasy this month because I have been working with a client on issues relating to when does fantasy interfere with partner sex. For most of us fantasy is an aid to arousal and it does not negatively affect the way we relate to a partner. Problems only arise if arousal becomes more dependent on the fantasy than it does upon the partner. Even in cases in which fantasy is very powerful, I have discovered that most people's partners are willing to introduce at least elements of the fantasy dynamic into their sex life.The most common mistake that people make is underestimating their partner by believing that they could not handle their fantasies, would be disgusted/appalled by it and being convinced that sharing it would destroy the relationship.
Sexual sharing and honesty is very liberating for both parties. It allows us to share a very deep part of ourselves, a part that makes us vulnerable and scared. I have been reading the work of Stanley Siegel and he has some interesting things to say about fantasy. He suggests that the content and the crucial sexual dynamic that inform our fantasies arise out of unmet childhood needs and the ways that we then unconsciously sexualised particular emotions in order to try and gain mastery or make sense of why our needs were not being met.
What are the most common fantasy themes?
romantic love emotional attachment and back story are important in this theme. Typically a 'perfect' man or woman is irresistibly drawn to us and the outcome is emotionally satisfying and optimistic.
forced sex involves passion and force/coercion but is not usually violent or painful. The key aspect is that choice is taken away and the resulting sexual experience is one that you have been 'forced' to submit to because you are helpless/restrained in some way.
multiple partners stimulating all our erogenous zones as we are worshipped and adored by our lovers. For a man, he usually chooses 2 or more women. A woman's fantasy is more likely to involve a man and a woman.
sex with a stranger where there are no emotional ties or attachment. The sex is driven by pure attraction and pleasure. You feel able to experience uninhibited sex with no intimacy with a person you will never see again.
domination scenarios where you may either be (1) the one who willingly surrenders control to a dominating, demanding and disdainful partner. There is freedom is letting go of all control and focusing on your devotion to a Master or Mistress. Sexual acts may not even occur as part of this fantasy or you may be used by your partner for their own sexual pleasure. The mental liberation of surrendering all control seems to be the main turn-on. You may be (2) the one who commands, demands and dominates an enslaved sex slave to fulfil your deepest desires.
bondage scenarios involve you being tied up, helpless and restrained whilst forced to submit to the desires of another. This may involve degrees of physical pain and teasing, possibly without any specific sexual act needing to occur. Sensory deprivation (e.g. gag or blindfold) and collaring is common, as is being humiliated by performing menial tasks and chores. Again the mental and emotional satisfaction of your utter submission is the key turn-on.
Our sexual fantasies can connect us with a deep and possibly dark part of ourselves; a part that we may have suppressed or lost touch with. Exploring the themes and sexual dynamic of what turns us on the most is an important part of knowing your sexual self more profoundly. It can become a powerful bonding experience and also an exhilarating sexual thrill.
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WHO AM I?