UK Sex Coach, Sex Coaching

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WELCOME TO THE MAY ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE

THE REAL ISSUE

Welcome to all of my new subscribers and a warm greeting to all of my regular readers.

April has been a largely sunny month here in Glossop. I am still struggling with the baby sleeping less than I would like combined with ill baby. I have spoken to a couple of really lovely new clients, who I am very much looking forward to working with. As I get back into my business, I find it provides me with a satisfaction and pleasure that is totally unlike the rewards I get from looking after a baby, which is fun and enjoyable but also very routine. Coaching generates a feeling of excitement and confidence that reminds me that I am not 'just' someone's mum, although sometimes it does feel as if that is what I am most of the time.

Oh, and did I mention Eden's experiences so far with the strange world of baby modelling .... with additional BBC presence, just to stress me out even more.

http://venturesque.typepad.com/venturesque/2009/04/the-strange-world-of-baby-modelling.html

This month I am interested in what authentic sexuality looks and feels like. How much of your sexual self do you share with your partners or, even, acknowledge to yourself?

My top tip provides a break from all the 'mental' stuff and is a position you may not have tried before - The Half Twister

The main article offers some discussion about the qualities that make you a great lover.

The sex question asks how well do you know your sexual essence?

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DR TARA'S TOP TIP : THE TWISTER

With all the positions I suggest, it is rare to expect a fantastic result until you have mastered the logistics of the position. Focusing on getting the position right and working out what goes where means you aren't able to focus on physical sensations. Persevere until you feel you know what to do and then you can relax into the sensations. Sometimes, clients have found that they find or invent another position in the middle of trying out something else so be prepared to be surprised.

What to Do

Lie on your sides, facing each other. The fronts of your thighs are touching and put your arms around each other's bodies. She lifts her top leg and bends it in towards her chest so it is resting over his top thigh against his waist. He bends his top thigh up underneath hers.

I think describing positions is difficult to do and sometimes if you just read it, you may think you have no idea what is going on. If you read and try and replicate the position, then it is much easier. Honestly.

What's Good about It?

This produces a gentle rocking motion and penetration tends to be unhurried. Arousal builds slowly alongside the rhythm of thrusting. Because your legs are wrapped around each other and you are looking into each other's faces, it is an intimate position and makes it easier to read your partner's sexual response as you are so close to their face. Many women like the fact that the man's pelvis presses against the clitoris, meaning that a slow-burning but intense orgasm can happen. You need to become familiar with the position to get the most out of it so that you can move into it after some foreplay perhaps rather than assuming the position and then thinking 'right, let's get on with it'.

This position is possibly more likely to be a hit with women. This is not to say that men don't like it but more women than men have raved about it to me after trying it out.

The Top 7 Qualities of a Great Lover

The question that I get asked most often is 'how can be a great lover?'. Most people assume that they need to know more, do more and learn how to be more technically proficient. They believe that it is possible to simply 'be' a great lover, just as it is possible to be a terrible lover. We wish that we could read or learn how to be the sexual person that we aspire to be but the answer is so much closer to home. Amazing sex begins in the mind. Your sexuality is mental and emotional as much as physical. So, to be a great lover, you need to attend to what goes on in your head. If you think about developing attributes that aid your own sexual authenticity, then you will be on the way to being a fabulous sexual partner.

Honesty is key to really wonderful sex. You must be able to say what turns you on and also what is less exciting for you. Be prepared to talk about all aspects of your sexuality and not just the parts that you are most proud of or pleased with. If you have anxieties or insecurities, share them. There is nothing to be ashamed about in speaking your truth, whatever the reaction you get. It is far braver to speak up about any sexual concerns that to remain silent and afraid.

Confidence means knowing that sex is not a pass/fail test and that you cannot grade people on their sexual 'performance'. For a sexual sophisticate knows that each and every sexual experience with a partner happens between two people and the amount of fun and pleasure that happens is the responsibility of those two people. Yes, both of you. Branding someone as 'bad in bed' is no more than admitting that you also were not so great yourself. I am talking long-term relationships here. Casual or one night experiences have slightly different rules as you don't have time to help someone learn how to give more pleasure. If you are having sex with a partner with whom you share no commitment outside of sex, you can have wonderful sex but you could also find yourself with a selfish, arrogant, lazy and critical partner. Best to avoid these people and, if you find yourself in bed with one leave before they can spoil your sexual positivity and poison your sexual self-esteem.

Risk-taking adds a sense of excitement. It is linked to confidence, as are most things, as confident people are willing to try different things because their sexual self-esteem does not depend upon the success or otherwise of a new sexual position. Taking risks means feeling OK about being the one to suggest new things to do, new locations or to open up a conversation about sex. Risk taking means enjoying the exploration and discovery of sex and not basing everything on the final result.

Humour may not be on everyone's list but I think the ability to laugh in the face of the occasional absurdity of sex is a valuable asset indeed. Humour defuses embarrassment and is an intimate and bonding experience.

Adaptable partners do not insist on repeating a tired sexual script that used to work but is now losing its flavour. Being flexible allows you to try out different roles during sex (sometimes dominant, sometimes more submissive). If something is not working - if you or your partner are not getting aroused - this quality enables you to try something else or stop on that occasion without any damage to your sexual confidence.

Communication skills allow you to ask for what you want and to find out what your partner likes, dislikes and might like to try. Good communication enables you to not giving up if your first attempt fails and encourage you to continue being creative to help your partner open up more or to find other ways of getting your ideas and opinions across.

Self-knowledge/self-awareness is about knowing your own sexual response cycle, desires, needs, fantasies well and being comfortable with your sexual self. Many people aren't. They try to fit in with how they feel they 'should' be; they desire who they 'should', they have sex as often as they 'should' etc and they have miserable and demoralising sex lives. There are no rules about how often, with whom and in what ways you have sex. You are the greatest expert about your own sexuality so express yourself sexually in the ways that feel right and good for you and your partners.

Is it worth reading anything to become better in bed?

Yes, you can benefit from knowing about sexual anatomy (yours and your partner's) and you can find ideas about positions, toys etc from books. But don't rely on a book to improve your sex life. You need to put in some work on yourself as well. Think in terms of being familiar with basic anatomy and use this knowledge alongside finding out about your partner's own unique sexuality. There is no one position or technique that everybody will like. Knowledge must work alongside communication, exploration and discovery.

THE SEX QUESTION this month asks: