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WELCOME TO THE MAY ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE
 THE PLEASURE ISSUE
It's been a busy month for me. Finally my partner and I have put our flat on the market. Preparations for our baby have meant that my office is now sharing precious space with baby bouncers, boxes of baby clothes, play gyms, baby carriers and many other seemingly essential items, which I had no idea existed until a few months ago.
This month's issue is dedicated to pleasure : to recognising, finding and creating those experiences and sensations that give us pleasure, happiness and joy. Many people deny themselves pleasure, believing that it is an empty, selfish and pointless pursuit that interferes with hard work and achievement or else they tentatively look for pleasure, without embracing it fully and uncompromisingly.
Sexual pleasure can get lost in the midst of judgement and criticism. As soon as you create criteria for sexual 'success' or 'failure' you are reducing your capacity for unadulterated pleasure. If you are able to celebrate the wonder of sex through your sense of curiosity, then sex can be a joyful exploration of what makes you and your partner feel great instead of a veiled test of your desirability, competence and self-esteem.
So, my top tips are a few suggestions for identifying the sexual triggers that can up your pleasure quotient.
The main article looks at the value of pleasure and play and how bringing play into your everyday life will add pleasure to your sex life.
The sex question asks you to look at your own barriers to pleasure and examines ways in which you yourself might be sabotaging your capacity for pleasure. |
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DETAILS OF MY COACHING SERVICES AND MY
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DR TARA'S TOP TIP -FIND YOUR SEXUAL PLEASURE TRIGGERS
To sustain a rewarding and passionate sex life it helps to know some reliable and exciting sexual triggers, which form your own unique erotic blueprint.
Write down your 3 favourite sexual fantasies
What is the single most arousing element in these fantasies?
What are your 3 most erotic memories?
This does not have to be a memory of a real sexual experience. It can be a look, a touch, watching other people being sexual.
Keep an erotic diary
Each day note down anything that made you feel sexy and turned on. It could be something that was said to you, a physical sensation, the feeling you got from looking at someone.
For all of these lists the more specific you are, the better. You are looking for common themes, which you can incorporate into your sex life. Knowing what drives your desire is going to get you more in tune with your sexual pleasure. Focusing on your arousal levels on a day to day basis and paying attention to your sexual imagination means that you start giving proper value to your entitlement to creating a fulfilling and fun sex life. | |
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WELCOME TO THE PLEASURE ZONE
When I work with people to help them improve their sex life, it is very common for us to discover that my client is actually resisting pleasure : both in their everyday life and in their sex life. The way that we value - or devalue - pleasure in everyday life is often a big clue to the importance that we place on sexual fulfilment. Increasing sexual pleasure means changing how we behave and examining the way we think about what constitutes a valuable way of spending time.
When did you last have fun?
So many people struggle to remember a time when they experienced anything that could be described as 'fun'. When did you last have fun in your sex life? Setting limits on your playful sexual experiences might mean you get to have rare moments of pleasure but also that your sex life is not going to be as satisfying as it could be. What have you got to lose by letting yourself go?
Make the time to plan for pleasure
If you lead a busy life in which time is a precious commodity, you are going to have to plan and schedule in sexual fun as simply waiting for spontaneous fun to happen is going to leave you funless. The insistence that the best sex should be spontaneous and just happen is one of the beliefs most dangerous to maintaining a fulfilling sex life. At the beginning of many relationships, sex is relatively unproblematic. Nobody has to try too hard as the novelty of exploring a new person's tastes, preferences, body and desires is a heady aphrodisiac. Later on, any sexual mismatch will become more apparent and novelty inevitably wears off. This is not the end of your sex life. It is the start of a new phase of sexual opportunity and planning sex can be a form of slow seduction.
What do you do to de-stress?
Make sure that you know how to de-stress yourself, that you know the strategies that will allow you to remove yourself and your focus from the quest for achievement and a work-oriented mode of being and how to help yourself enter into the world of fun. For some clients, going out for a meal, having a bath, getting outside and being amidst nature helps them in this transition. For others, talking with friends helps them to realise the pleasure to be found in connecting with other people. Make an effort to transition out of working mode into a ready for pleasure mode.
What sexual experiences have you always wanted to try?
Think about this and write anything down that appeals to you. Using the lists from my top tips, you can develop a role play/fantasy that involves your key erotic triggers. You could give your lists to your partner and leave it to their imagination to surprise you with a key trigger when you least expect it. Reading about sex is a fantastic way to expand your idea of what is sexually possible.
To be open to sexual pleasure, you have to be willing to value pleasure and its place in your daily life. You need to take action to invite pleasurable events into your world and be ready to savour what is happening to you in the moment that it occurs. To increase the sexual pleasure you have, work on knowing what turns you on, be prepared to create situations where your triggers can be unleashed and know how to relax and energise yourself. Most of all, you have to know that making time for pleasure will give you many memorable moments. Fretting about 'wasting' time will only feed your guilt and misplaced self-sacrifice. It will give you nothing more. |
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THE SEX QUESTION
WHAT ARE YOUR BARRIERS TO PLEASURE?
Do you find it difficult to do things that have no value other than to make you happy? Do you deny yourself pleasure because you suspect that there is always a price to pay for 'wasting' time? Recognising that pleasure is an end in itself will help you to prioritise your time, value your own happiness and cement a belief that we are all entitled to pleasure.
What are the things you do that stop you finding pleasure in your life?
This question benefits from considerable reflection.
For many of you, feelings of guilt, self-denial and a misguided conviction of the supposed value of self-sacrifice are the emotions that probably sabotage pleasure for you. Other things might be:
feeling that my child's needs come first
if I take time for myself I am letting other people down
having pleasure is the same as not taking responsibility
taking time for me means that I am selfish/inconsiderate/childish so I refuse invitations to go out with my friends
feeling I must be a good mother/lover/friend, even if it means saying 'no' to things that really excite me
Knowing the feelings that stop you pursuing pleasure is one thing. The next step is to look at the habitual behaviours that fuel your pleasure-avoidance.
What might they be?
My clients have come up with these kinds of ideas:
- putting other people's needs before my own makes me resentful but lessens my guilt
- not expressing my sexual desires in a clear way keeps me unhappy
- saying 'yes' to something because I want to keep X happy
- I spend too much time doing things that I hate
- I become perfectionist and deny myself anything that seems to have no tangible reward
When you have discovered the actions you take that prevent pleasure, then it is a question of choosing one thing and stopping yourself from perpetuating this destructive behaviour. Write down your reasons for wanting to stop and what you have to gain when this particular way of reacting is no longer something that you do. If you do not have a coach and need some support, try doing this with a friend to whom you can be accountable.
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 WHO AM I?
You have been reading a newsletter lovingly crafted by me, Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. I work as a sex, relationship and singles coach.
Sex coaching helps you to make sex about pleasure not performance. You can increase your confidence, calm your sexual anxieties, explore your sexual style and remove the emotional and physical blocks that might reduce your capacity for sexual and sensual pleasure. I work with people who have chosen to do all that they can to make their ideal sex life a reality.
Relationship coaching helps you to communicate more successfully, reduces conflict and enables you to understand your own and your partner's needs, priorities and desires by working out what's not working, what needs to change and how to move forward. It is also about fun and excitement and discovering things about yourself and each other that you never knew. My clients are people who feel that something important is missing from their relationship and who often aren't sure whether the relationship is worth saving.
Singles coaching will help you to reflect upon the role that you want a relationship to play in the new and exciting life that you will make for yourself. Are YOU ready for a relationship? Well find out. I work with people who want to build their self-knowledge, self-esteem and to massively increase their confidence, optimism, purpose and joy in life.
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK WITH ME?
I coach individuals and couples to get in touch with what makes them sexually happy, confident and fulfilled, resolve relationship dissatisfactions and help you to discover a life full of hope, passion and purpose.
Sex, relationship and singles coaching helps you to examine your life, your relationship (or lack of one) and sexual satisfaction and enables you to bring back optimism, courage and direction to the sex life you create and the person you want to become.
GET YOUR SELF, YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR SEX LIFE BACK IN BALANCE.
Get in touch with me now to arrange a free consultation.
If you know that your sex life is making you feel frustrated and frustrating, bored and boring, undesirable and without desire, then get in touch to arrange a time for us to talk. I offer a free 20-30 minute consultation, in which we can get to know each other better and decide how well we might work together.
Almost all sexual problems are resolvable when you face up to where your sex life is going wrong. You can choose not to settle for second-best and to make your sex life about confidence, pleasure and play rather than sadness, resentment and disappointment.
I would love to hear any comments, suggestions about issues you would like to read about in future and I am happy to answer reader questions in future newsletters.
I will never limit your sexual potential and fully support all forms of sexual behaviour between consenting adults.
I WOULD LIKE TO ENLIST YOUR HELP IN BUILDING MY READERSHIP.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL USING THE LINK BELOW TO ANY PEOPLE YOU THINK WILL BE INTERESTED. |
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