UK Sex Coach, Sex Coaching

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WELCOME TO THE MARCH ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE

THE VARIETY ISSUE

Welcome to all of my new subscribers and a warm greeting to all of my regular readers. We have spent the month painting, buying furniture and dealing with one of our cats, who was hit by a car (in front of us - horrible) but he will be OK. He can't get around much at the moment though. I've also gone way out on a limb here by abandoning the safety of Verdana font in favour of the far riskier choice of the much-maligned Comic Sans. I'm hoping that nobody gets put off as I know many people loathe and deride Comic Sans but I love it and am prepared to stand up and be counted.

This month is the Variety issue since, rather than opt for an overarching theme, I have gathered useful titbits from various areas of sexuality and relationships to offer up for you.

My Top Tip involves the interplay of being clothed and being naked as a part of the sexual dynamic. The main article offers suggestions for sex props you can use during sex to spice things up. The Sex Question goes a bit more romantic and ask you do you know how your partner likes to be loved?

DR TARA'S TOP TIP - ONE ON, ONE OFF

This is an incredibly easy way to alter the sexual dynamic between you and your partner, especially if you haven't done it before. It works during either a quick and urgent encounter or as part of a long and slow sex session. You can rip off the clothes in a frenzy of passion or take your time and peel each item off tantalisingly slowly.

All it involves is one of you keeping all of their clothes on (well, not quite all but I'm sure you get the idea) and the other taking all their clothes off during sex. See? I told you it was simple. It appeals to a dominant-submissive dynamic as the clothed person becomes the one in control and the naked partner becomes more vulnerable. This is something that many clients have found very erotic and it's a tiny little step to find out if pursuing dominant-submissive sex play might be something you and your partner would enjoy.

TOP 10 SEX PROPS

Maybe props isn't the best word? I am referring to anything that you use during sex, apart from your body, to enhance the sensual and sexual pleasure and which isn't necessarily sold as a sex toy.The world is filled with things that can make sex more interesting.

1. Lubricant - Regular readers will know that I often extol the virtues of lube. Its reputation is of a substance used to manufacture desire - to make a woman wet when she actually isn't. There is so much more to lube. For both parties, it adds delicious new sensations of silky, slidy moisture that adds a frisson to sex.

2. Pillows are a quick and easy addition to sex. They can be placed under any part of the body to alter the angle of penetration, provide comfort and relief from holding a difficult position or merely to offer a change of view. You can buy special sex pillows that offer support for a variety of sexual positions that might be difficult to attempt otherwise.

3. Ice in the mouth adds a completely different sensation to the body part that you come into contact with. Use it on nipples, neck, thighs, penis, vagina - anywhere!

4. Erotic Body Paint is a fun way to make sex more playful, whether you mark an X wherever you wish to be kissed or whether you prefer to smother it on wildly and roll around, sliding your bodies over each other.

5. Using a blindfold during sex is a common way to liven things up and finding something to keep your lover in the dark is easy. Try a scarf, pair of tights or stockings or a tie. For the person who cannot see, every touch becomes loaded with sensation and possibility. For people who may get stuck in their heads (e.g. worrying about sexual performance) during sex, blindfolding can release them from the mental chatter for a while and allow them to focus entirely on sexual sensation.

6. Handcuffs are a lightweight way into bondage games and letting the one who is restrained deal with the unexpected. Each touch, kiss, stroke or spank will come as a surprise.

7. Food can be very sexy. For instance, cream, melted chocolate or pieces of fruit dipped into or dribbled onto your lover's body just beg to be licked or sucked off.

8. Your basic home furniture can enable you to get into and out of different sexual positions and to make sex more fun. Using a chair, kitchen table or bending your lover over the sofa are all imaginative ways to add variety to sex.

9. High heels are a reliable turn-on for many men and so keeping your heels on from foreplay onwards can add to your lover's arousal. As high heels are so eroticised in our culture, they are a visual turn-on but can also, for the woman wearing them, increase her arousal because she can eroticise herself. She can imagine herself as a powerfully sexual woman more easily.

10. Your imagination is the greatest prop of all! It is easier to stop being creative sexually than it is to keep trying different things and continuing to put effort into your sexual relationship - but it is necessary if you want to keep your sexual connection exciting, intimate and creative.

THE SEX QUESTION is a monthly section that invites you to reflect on your sexual style, awareness and communication skills.

DO YOU KNOW HOW YOUR PARTNER LIKES TO BE LOVED?

This question is a common starting point for relationship coaching. If we are not conscious about how we love and how we like to be loved, many of us make the mistake of assuming that our partner wants us to show them love in the exact same way that we would want to receive it. There is so much scope for misunderstanding here.

For example, do you need verbal declarations (I love you) to feel loved?

Do you prefer to show your love by doing jobs around the house, cooking dinner, spending time with your partner?

Do you perhaps need to maintain a regular sexual connection with your partner in order to feel loved?

Do you need words or actions?

See how much room there is for misinterpretation? The good news is that most of us can probably, if we take the trouble to think about it, know or find out what our partner needs most in order to feel loved. The happiest relationships are those in which each partner makes the effort to tell or show their partner the love they need, which may not be the same as what they themselves need in order to feel loved. Give what they need in order to feel loved and not what makes you feel loved. Take some time to think about whether you and your partner are in tune with each other's love needs and, if they're not, take the time to change this for the better.

WHO AM I?