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WELCOME TO THE MARCH ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE
 THE SINGLES ISSUE
Welcome back everyone and greetings to my new readers. This month's issue is especially for single people who would like a partner. At any time in my practice, I am usually working with at least one single client who cannot understand why other people can pair up successfully, whilst they themselves are unable to find the right person for them.
Top Tip - Ask yourself - What do I deserve?
At the root of many single people's frustration and unhappiness is a feeling of unworthiness, of not deserving to have a happy relationship. This is without doubt the most common limiting belief that keeps many people reluctantly stuck in their single status.
Why am I still single? Before you can have an intimate, passionate and exciting romance, the relationship you need to look at is the one you have with yourself. How do you interact with potential partners and people in general, do you have an optimistic/pessimistic energy, are you too rigid in your expectations? I have compiled 5 of the most destructive thought and behaviour patterns that single people often repeat when looking for love.
Sex question - how full is your life?
One of the reasons that I enjoy working with single people is that usually the focus of coaching often changes from finding 'The One' to making their own lives more fulfilling, inspiring and happy. People realise that trying to fill a void with another person is far less interesting and way less reliable than filling it yourself.
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DR TARA'S TOP TIP
ASK YOURSELF 'WHAT DO I DESERVE?'
Feeling not worthy of a relationship is the greatest barrier to finding a relationship. This very common form of self-sabotage is often disguised as cynicism, negativity and feelings of futility. I usually find that fear and/or guilt are at the root of this anxiety and despair and that your fear can be summed up as 'I'm not good enough'. Your previous relationship history can leave you believing that you are never going to find a fulfilling relationship. What you are forgetting is that many relationships end but does that mean you have to think of them as 'failures'? Not all partnerships are going to be forever. What they do is help us learn, grow and move on to the next person and the experiences and lessons that they have for us.
If you are serious about finding someone, feel that you are doing all that you can but convinced that you are unlucky, then complete these 3 lists for me.
1. List 20 things that you learnt about yourself from your previous partner/relationship.
2. List 20 things that you learnt about relationships from your previous partner/relationship.
How many things are negative and demoralising? How many positive and optimistic?
Can you turn the negative into more positive statements?
3. List 50 things that you have to offer in a relationship.
Keep working on this last one. It is important that you stay aware of all that makes you special and secure in the knowledge that you have a lot to offer the right person.
There is value in everything, even what may seem bleak and leave you feeling defeated. Relationships make us keep learning and finding new things out about ourselves and other people. What is going to make the difference to your life is being able to calm and soothe your own wounds before setting out again on your next relationship journey with a feeling of hope and joy. |
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DETAILS OF MY COACHING SERVICES AND MY
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WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?
Do you need singles coaching?
The beginning of a relationship is the best time to establish the tone, flavour and boundaries of how you want to be a partner with somebody else. What stops many people from finding a partner are the beliefs they hold about themselves and the expectations they have about how women/men 'should' behave. Being too rigid, ungenerous, judgemental, negative and needy is going to leave you alone or unhappy - possibly both.
1. You spent an awful lot of time complaining about men/women.
Misery loves company and indulging in repeated bouts of blame, critique and contempt towards the opposite or same sex is not going to help your chances of finding a good relationship match. Constantly judging and finding fault with an entire gender is only going to cement any negative feelings that you might be using to justify your so-called happiness at your single status (not to suggest you cannot be happy single, of course you can). You are not making an effort to welcome in the foibles and idiosyncracies of a new person, rather you are measuring them against your own standards. You aren't going to have many adventures or surprises with that attitude.
2. You believe that finding a partner means hiding who you really are.
Ok, so everybody wants to present themselves in their most interesting and flattering light when they first meet someone. This becomes a problem when you find yourself deliberately presenting a facade of the person you are because you fear being rejected or disapproved of if you act and tell the truth about yourself. Some people try too hard. They believe that just being themselves is not enough and try so hard to impress by 'doing' things that they forget that people generally form attractions based on their sense of a person's 'being', not on what they do.
3. You tell yourself there are no good men/women out there.
This is a frequent refrain that people use to explain why they are single. It simply is not true. There are always people out there. Do you know how to find them? Are you actually looking for them? Quite possibly you have a history of bad relationships and the same things keep happening over and over again: your partners leave you, your partners are unfaithful, criticise you constantly, fail to support you etc.
If you are repeating patterns time and time again and you want to be happy in a committed relationship, then you need to assess your own contribution to relationship breakdown, learn from this and find new ways to 'be' in a relationship.
4. My life is terrible. I know I could be happy . . . IF I had a relationship.
What a burden is that to put on a person and a relationship? The happier you are before starting a relationship, the happier you can be in that relationship. Relationships are not band-aids for a miserable life. They bring enough challenges of their own. Expecting to be 'saved' is a surefire way to coupledoom rather than coupledom. Put the rest of your life in order first. Make sure there are parts of your life that excite/inspire you and that you have plenty of things to look forward to.
5. I always attract the wrong men/women.
Usually said as if this is entirely not your responsibility! Do you know who you want to attract, what you want to attract into your life? Do you always wait to be approached or are you brave enough to do the asking sometimes? The more passive you are, the less control you have over the people you invite into your life. The energy and messages that you put out into the world are visible to others but often entirely unnoticed by you until you actually take the time to think about how other people might perceive you. |
There is a lot to be said to lightening up and seeing finding a partner as an exploration and an adventure. All of my clients who found it hard to find a partner are great people; funny, warm, generous, interesting and they all had a lot of love to give. What made the difference for them was focusin
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 THE SEX QUESTION Each month I will be sending you off with a sex question to ask. Sometimes it will be something to get you thinking about your own sexual style and attitudes and only you will be able to answer it. Other times the question can work as aid to sexual communication and help you to become more confident discussing sex with your partner.
HOW FULL IS YOUR LIFE?
Before searching for someone to 'complete' your existence, it is crucial that you have put effort and time in to making your life as full, exciting and interesting as you can. It is easy to get single-minded in the search for a mate and let the rest of your life remain on simmer whilst your search becomes increasingly desperate. If a new partner becomes the focus of your life, what happens to you? What are you doing and who are you being until you find this person?
Answer these questions:
When was the last time you had fun?
What are the things you are really looking forward to in the next month/ 6 months?
What are things you tell yourself you can do WHEN you have a partner? Write them down. And start doing them now.
Making yourself the focus of your life means that finding a partner often becomes less important and, strangely, you are more likely to find somebody at about this time and not when you are really searching for them.
To all single people, I have a message: find someone to share your happy life and don't expect someone to make your life happy.
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 WHO AM I?
You have been reading a newsletter lovingly crafted by me, Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. I work as a sex, relationship and singles coach.
Sex coaching helps you to make sex about pleasure not performance. You can increase your confidence, calm your sexual anxieties, explore your sexual style and remove the emotional and physical blocks that might reduce your capacity for sexual and sensual pleasure. I work with people who have chosen to do all that they can to make their ideal sex life a reality.
Relationship coaching helps you to communicate more successfully, reduces conflict and enables you to understand your own and your partner's needs, priorities and desires by working out what's not working, what needs to change and how to move forward. It is also about fun and excitement and discovering things about yourself and each other that you never knew. My clients are people who feel that something important is missing from their relationship and who often aren't sure whether the relationship is worth saving.
Singles coaching will help you to reflect upon the role that you want a relationship to play in the new and exciting life that you will make for yourself. Are YOU ready for a relationship? Well find out. I work with people who want to build their self-knowledge, self-esteem and to massively increase their confidence, optimism, purpose and joy in life.
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK WITH ME?
I coach individuals and couples to get in touch with what makes them sexually happy, confident and fulfilled, resolve relationship dissatisfactions and help you to discover a life full of hope, passion and purpose.
Sex, relationship and singles coaching helps you to examine your life, your relationship (or lack of one) and sexual satisfaction and enables you to bring back optimism, courage and direction to the sex life you create and the person you want to become.
GET YOUR SELF, YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR SEX LIFE BACK IN BALANCE.
Get in touch with me now to arrange a free consultation.
If you know that your sex life is making you feel frustrated and frustrating, bored and boring, undesirable and without desire, then get in touch to arrange a time for us to talk. I offer a free 20-30 minute consultation, in which we can get to know each other better and decide how well we might work together.
Almost all sexual problems are resolvable when you face up to where your sex life is going wrong. You can choose not to settle for second-best and to make your sex life about confidence, pleasure and play rather than sadness, resentment and disappointment.
I would love to hear any comments, suggestions about issues you would like to read about in future and I am happy to answer reader questions in future newsletters.
I will never limit your sexual potential and fully support all forms of sexual behaviour between consenting adults.
I WOULD LIKE TO ENLIST YOUR HELP IN BUILDING MY READERSHIP.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL USING THE LINK BELOW TO ANY PEOPLE YOU THINK WILL BE INTERESTED. |
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