Working with so many clients has enabled me to discover various commonalities in the sexual problems that many of us encounter. One of these findings concerns whether the way that you masturbate can be replicated by someone else. This applies mainly to women, I have found and there are 3 main variables that seem to be at work.

1. Firstly, a basic difference is whether you masturbate with your legs open or closed. Particularly for women who prefer to keep their legs closed, this can present a problem when having penetrative sex (when usually your legs would be open). Over time your body gets used to a specific degree of muscular tension in your legs as a precursor to orgasm and it can be almost impossible to orgasm without it.

2. Secondly, do you lie on your front or your back? This can also affect your ability to orgasm if you are used to one way and then expecting your body to respond just as enthusiastically the other way.

  

3. The third main factor is the role of fantasy. If you have a specific fantasy or sexual dynamic that you think about in order to orgasm, having sex without this going on in your head can make it hard to orgasm.

  

Of course sex is not all about orgasm yet not orgasming frustrates many women and so arming yourself with as much knowledge as you can is helpful to anyone who is having problems in their sex life. If you are aware of something that may be stopping you, you can change it. e.g. it is possible to have sex in the missionary position with the woman's legs closed (although penetrate first with her legs open and then close them). This position is actually enjoyable for most men as well.

If you believe that you are very rigid and consistent in your masturbation style (i.e. always on your front with legs open) and you find this is not so easy to replicate with a partner, you still have choices; either practice/experiment with masturbating in a different way - e.g. on your back - and else find ways to make this possible with your partner (e.g. through a rear entry position, not necessarily entry through the rear!).

The link between masturbation and partner sex is an area that most people have not considered in relation to their sexual experiences yet it is another way of discovering more about your sexual response and the conditions that you require in order to reach your sexual potential. It represents another example of how communcation and the confidence to talk about your own desire is so central to sexual enjoyment. Time and again I find that clients share very little of their masturbatory technique or discoveries with a partner, as if their sexual response when alone is something qualitatively different from sex with a partner. It is not. Masturbation allows us to be authentic and connected to our sexual response cycle and erotic fantasies in a way that many people find difficult to achieve with a partner. Instead of seeing masturbation as a substitue for 'proper' sex, value it and see it as offering many clues as to how your sexual life with your partner can be improved and made more fulfilling.