UK Sex Coach, Sex Coaching

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WELCOME TO THE JUNE ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE

THE FAKE ISSUE

Welcome to all of my new subscribers and a warm greeting to all of my regular readers.

I salute the glorious sunshine! I also celebrate having a good night's sleep now. April and early May were a pretty dreadful time for me. The culprit? Accumulated baby-induced sleep deprivation since July 2008. This affected my mood and intellectual faculties in a scary way. I was frequently grumpy and found concentrating, thinking and focusing on anything really hard. I felt I was losing touch with the person that I used to be. I took action (eventually) and on May 18th had my first night's sleep in nearly 10 months, which is when Eden slept through the night for the first time ever. And I mean proper 7.30pm to 6.30am sleep. Read more here.

http://venturesque.typepad.com/venturesque/
And that is the last time I will moan on about my lack of sleep. I hope.

June is the month to stop faking orgasms. This issue explains why you need to stop, what the implications are if you carry on and how to begin introducing a little more honesty into your sexual relationship.

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DR TARA'S TOP TIP : BRAZILIAN OR HOLLYWOOD?

I do feel a bit like I keep telling you off in this issue so my top tip is more fun. For men and women doing something different with or seeing something different about your own or your partner's sexual organs is extremely exciting. So, why not try a new look for your pubic hair? I would say this can apply to men and women, but let's assume I'm talking mainly to the girls.

A Brazilian wax is when a narrow 'landing strip' of pubic hair is left. With a Hollywood, it's all off. You can wax or shave or use creams. The choice is yours, depending on how much pain you can take for getting a longer-term result.

Having your sexual organs touched after this will feel radically different as well as look new and exciting. I don't think waxing your pubic hair means you are trying to, or your partner wants you to, look like a young girl although I do acknowledge that the no pubic hair look is a question of personal taste. I think it is pretty great. You will feel more sensitive and you can see more. It opens up a whole new world of vaginal appreciation.

WHY ARE YOU FAKING IT?

Orgasm is not the be-all and end-all of sex, although many of us get fixated on it. We feel we are only 'good' at sex if we can have and give an orgasm. Generally, most men are pretty much guaranteed an orgasm each time they have sex. This is not the case for many women. The general rule of sex therapists is that, for every 10 sex sessions with your partner, you can expect 2 to be amazing, 2 to be awful and 6 to be just a little better or worse than average. The belief that makes women fake it is thinking that they ought to orgasm each and every time. It's yet another example of how misleading myths about sexuality get circulated and internalised and end up interfering with and spoiling people's sexual expression. Surveys usually reveal that around 70% of women have faked an orgasm at least once and that about 5% fake it each and every time.

I think it is important not to get caught in the trap of judging the success of sex purely by whether or not you orgasm. I also believe that sexual fulfilment is possible for the majority of people and that faking can prevent you and your partner from finding out how to help orgasms happen for you.

What is your sexual future going to be like if you are dishonest about your sexual needs and desires? How enjoyable will sex be if your arousal and excitement are a pretence? I see both sides of the implications of faking. For the faker, sex often becomes a source of dread and resentment, leading to sexual disinterest over time. Sexuality, which can be such a vibrant source of joy and empowerment, becomes imprisoned by fear and anxiety.

For the faker's partner, their sex life continues as a farce of satisfaction. Faking is unfair to you and to your partner and its effects continue as you and your partner move on to new relationships. It confuses things for future partners: of yours and your current partner's. For example, men don't understand when a new partner cannot orgasm as effortlessly and reliably as a previous partner appeared to do. This makes them wonder about their sexual skills, their desirability, their new partner's sexuality and raises the question of sexual compatibility. He starts to wonder about why she can't orgasm as easily and this may begin to affect her, as she now wonders if she is 'normal' in not always being able to orgasm. These are all unnecessary worries caused by the lack of honesty in a relationship where faked orgasms were common.

One thing to add and it may seem to be a contradiction to my usual insistence on honesty as the best policy. I am not sure whether it is ever a good idea to confess to a partner that you have been faking orgasms. This knowledge will hurt his feelings and make him feel like a fool, which will make him angry- none of which are healthy for your relationship. What I do with clients is work on changing small things over time and not encouraging that you suddenly announce that your sex life has been sham and now you demand that it changes.

THE SEX QUESTION this month asks:

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IF I DON'T STOP FAKING IT?

This is really the only question worth asking.

How does your future sex life look when it is a bleak vision of faking satisfaction and not getting what you want?

To help clients resolve this sexual issue, this is what we would do.

1. Work out WHY you are faking. Sort out which reasons are most important and start working through them one by one.

Common reasons are:

to avoid hurting my partner's feelings. Whose feelings are most important? Learn the value of believing in your own entitlement to sexual happiness.
as a way to end the sexual encounter. We work on ways to stop a sexual experience with grace and without upsetting anybody.
to 'prove' to your partner how sexual you are. If you know your effortless orgasms are fake and empty, deep down you know that it doesn't matter what your partner thinks about your sexual prowess. It matters most what you know to be true..

2.Are your expectations realistic?

Some women fake orgasm during intercourse but don't have to when receiving manual or oral stimulation. Some women believe they should orgasm through intercourse. This is when sex coaching is a matter of sharing information and knowledge and helping people to create their own sex philosophy that empowers and excites them rather than having faith in misinformation and sexual myth-making that demeans and depresses them.

3. Create a plan of ideas to help you to stop faking, which often means dealing with how to communicate better so that faking is not necessary. This comes down to :

is your partner doing what you need to turn you on?

4. What is the outcome you want? For you, how often do you want to orgasm and is that realistic for you and your current situation?

Making a commitment to stop faking orgasms is a liberating and exciting thing to do. Even if you have been faking for years, there are ways to introduce new ideas about what you might like to try with a partner that can help you to get the stimulation you need in order to orgasm and to end the dishonesty that was at the heart of your sexual relationship.

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