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WELCOME TO THE JUNE ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE
Welcome back everyone and greetings to my new readers.
5 weeks away from the birth of my baby now. Everyone keeps asking me if I am prepared for this. Quite simply, I do not know. How can you know? I've bought the right things, read the best books and discussed the important things. Whether I am truly prepared is another question . . . .
This month I am writing about how you can gain more control of your sexual life.
I discuss how to locate, master and familiarise yourself with your sexual control centre.
The concept of control in sexual matters brings up ambivalent feelings for many people that I speak to. Yet being in control does not mean putting someone else in a submissive position. Nor must it suggest ideas of manipulation or power-play. Being or having control over your sexual expression means that you have developed the necessary awareness, authenticity, responsibility, confidence and curiosity about your own sexual style and needs to ensure that you are making the kinds of choices that bring you sexual fulfilment and pleasure.
Who controls your sex life?
More often than not, unless you have made a deliberate decision to put yourself first, other people (actual or imagined) have more influence upon your sexual life than you might think. This month's sex question invites you to consider who really gets to call the shots when it comes to how you behave and express yourself sexually. |
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DETAILS OF MY COACHING SERVICES AND MY
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 DR TARA'S TOP TIP - FIND YOUR SEXUAL CONTROL CENTRE
Your sexual control centre is a psychological state of mind in which you feel confident and secure to express yourself in the ways that bring you the most pleasure. During coaching we work a lot on discovering and developing your inner strength and calmness to activate your sexual control centre when you want to. Everybody has a place within them that they can access in order to feel the joy that comes from being in control and not being swayed by the actual or anticipated opinions of other people. For the purposes of this newsletter, I will take you through the first step.
Initially we need to find out the times when, sexually, you feel free to act out of choice and also to pinpoint those instances when you are inhibiting your actions because of fear.
Think about your sex life over the past month.
Write down all the occasions when you consciously made a choice to think, act or feel in a sexual manner. What happened and how did you feel about your decisions?
When did you stop yourself because you were scared - possibly of being embarrassed, mocked, misunderstood or disapproved of? How did you feel afterwards?
This exercise is the beginning of a process that asks you to build up an understanding of how often you restrict your sexual expression and the consequences of your inhibition. You can identify what factors need to be present in order for you to be in touch with your sexual control centre. We can then begin to build up a programme of action and understanding to help you to challenge and re-imagine your sexual world as a place where you and only you get to decide who you want to be sexually. Becoming aware of your patterns of inaction leads to an inner shifting of what you believe to be possible. Being in tune with your sexual control centre opens up your potential to live more freely, happily and joyfully.
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 5 STEPS TO GAIN CONTROL OF YOUR SEX LIFE
I have found that many clients' problems originate and then continue because they lack control over what they think, feel and do sexually. Often they may not truly want to assume more control, as they feel safer blaming than they do asserting their sexual needs and preferences. In this situation we would usually work through a 5 step process to work out where, why and to whom they are giving up control.
1. AWARENESS AND SELF-KNOWLEDGE is key to being sexually in control. This covers:
physical/sexual knowledge ; do you know and are you happy to tell or show how and where you liked to be touched?
sexual boundaries: do you know what is and is not acceptable to you? Have you set limits that dictate how you expect to be treated and identified unacceptable behaviour from other people that means it is definitely time to say goodbye?
2. AUTHENTICITY
Working on awareness leads to understanding sexual authenticity. This is likely to mean different things to all of you. To me, being and having sexual authenticity means that YOU and you alone are the person who decides how and with whom you express yourself sexually. It means that:
you know what you like and have accepted and can celebrate your sexual preferences. We work on issues of shame, embarrassment and shyness because hiding your sexual self inhibits pleasure and increases anxiety because you carry a fear of being 'found out' in some way.
you recognise that it is possible to express an essence of who you are through sex and that you can connect deeply with anyone, no matter how casual or temporary the sexual encounter.
you do not let other people's opinions affect you
When you can give in pleasure without worry of being cowed or humiliated by how others react, you are taking major steps towards maintaining control.
3. RESPONSIBILITY
Without taking responsibility you can never be in control of your sex life. It does not have to be an onerous chore and effort. Almost everyone finds that responsibility brings flexibility and liberation from rigid rule following and people-pleasing . So if something is not working, don't look for someone else to blame - consider why it's not working and what YOU could do to make the situation better. By this point in the process, I have worked a lot with a client on self-awareness so it is not difficult to identify the patterns, blocks and barriers that are getting in the way.
4. CONFIDENCE
By this stage, my clients have developed increased confidence because of the various shifts in perception and understanding that they have experienced so far. It is a form of confidence forged from genuine self-belief and self-acceptance rather than the shallow facade of bravado that masks self-denial and fear.
5. EXPLORATION AND CURIOSITY
This end stage is a joyful and fun time for all. The foundations are now in place for sex without fear. Feeling in control means that you have the freedom to explore any area of sexual practice just for fun - just to see if you enjoy it. This giddy feeling almost always extends into other parts of your life and many clients get curious about whether they are, for example, in the right job, the best city or the right house. Gaining control of your sex life means that you uncover resources within yourself that can energise you to take greater risks (change my job, express how I really feel about something) and calm you because you know that life without risk is second best.
What most clients want, most of all, is to finish coaching knowing that they can rely on themselves to create the sex life they want; that they are strong enough to stand up for what they want and gentle enough to know the right way make this happen. |
THE SEX QUESTION - WHO'S IN CONTROL OF YOUR SEX LIFE?
My work as a sex coach has led me to the conclusion that most of us underestimate the degree to which how we think, feel and act sexually is affected by the reactions or imagined responses of other people.
For example, I recently worked with a client was deciding what to wear for a date. She owned a dress that she loved. It made her feel deliciously sexy. Would she wear it? She was reluctant. Is it too short? What will he think? What will other people think? Will I look cheap? In this scenario, who was in control? Not my client, who was tempted to listen to her fears rather than embrace her sexual confidence. Seemingly small decisions like this can tell you where you have and lack control in your own sexual expression.
I ask clients to think about recent interactions with other people. They need not be explicitly sexual in nature. Since we express our sexuality all day and every day, being or lacking control will be evident in everyday life as well as during actually sex. So we would begin by looking at how you present yourself visually to the world.
Think about how you choose to dress.
What do you like to wear and why? How often and in what situations do you wear it? How might your appearance differ depending on the gender of the people you are with?
Are there occasions when you have wanted to wear an item you loved but played safe because you were scared of what others might think?
These simple questions give me a baseline of how much a client is in control of their sexuality - how they use or mask their sexual energy and how much they let other people influence their decisions.
We would move on to look at sexual encounters.
For example, the last time you were sexual - who decided this? Who usually initiates sex? How do you feel about this? How satisfied were you? How in control were you when you chose to be sexual? Were you influenced by pressure from your sexual partner, by alcohol, by recreational drugs?
Developing control means cementing your sexual confidence and your security in valuing, accepting and celebrating your sexual self. These kinds of questions clearly show you how much or how little other people interfere with and disrupt your sexual flow.
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 WHO AM I?
You have been reading a newsletter lovingly crafted by me, Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. I work as a sex, relationship and singles coach.
Sex coaching helps you to make sex about pleasure not performance. You can increase your confidence, calm your sexual anxieties, explore your sexual style and remove the emotional and physical blocks that might reduce your capacity for sexual and sensual pleasure. I work with people who have chosen to do all that they can to make their ideal sex life a reality.
Relationship coaching helps you to communicate more successfully, reduces conflict and enables you to understand your own and your partner's needs, priorities and desires by working out what's not working, what needs to change and how to move forward. It is also about fun and excitement and discovering things about yourself and each other that you never knew. My clients are people who feel that something important is missing from their relationship and who often aren't sure whether the relationship is worth saving.
Singles coaching will help you to reflect upon the role that you want a relationship to play in the new and exciting life that you will make for yourself. Are YOU ready for a relationship? Well find out. I work with people who want to build their self-knowledge, self-esteem and to massively increase their confidence, optimism, purpose and joy in life.
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK WITH ME?
I coach individuals and couples to get in touch with what makes them sexually happy, confident and fulfilled, resolve relationship dissatisfactions and help you to discover a life full of hope, passion and purpose.
Sex, relationship and singles coaching helps you to examine your life, your relationship (or lack of one) and sexual satisfaction and enables you to bring back optimism, courage and direction to the sex life you create and the person you want to become.
GET YOUR SELF, YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR SEX LIFE BACK IN BALANCE.
Get in touch with me now to arrange a free consultation.
If you know that your sex life is making you feel frustrated and frustrating, bored and boring, undesirable and without desire, then get in touch to arrange a time for us to talk. I offer a free 20-30 minute consultation, in which we can get to know each other better and decide how well we might work together.
Almost all sexual problems are resolvable when you face up to where your sex life is going wrong. You can choose not to settle for second-best and to make your sex life about confidence, pleasure and play rather than sadness, resentment and disappointment.
I would love to hear any comments, suggestions about issues you would like to read about in future and I am happy to answer reader questions in future newsletters.
I will never limit your sexual potential and fully support all forms of sexual behaviour between consenting adults.
I WOULD LIKE TO ENLIST YOUR HELP IN BUILDING MY READERSHIP.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL USING THE LINK BELOW TO ANY PEOPLE YOU THINK WILL BE INTERESTED. |
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