UK Sex Coach, Sex Coaching

SEXUAL VARIETY WITHOUT PANIC

One of the biggest misconceptions people come to me with is that, if they just change what they do sexually, they will feel better, be a better lover and their sex life will be transformed. Much of my work as a sex coach involves helping my clients get in touch with their sexual being - who are they? - rather than what they do sexually. However, exploring your current choices and behaviours at each level - being and doing - is a successful strategy, when both are addressed together as part of exploring an individual's sexual style and attitudes.

Many people feel that they would like to be able to widen their sexual options when it comes to what to DO during sex but they worry that sexual variety means a risk of something not working. The fear of failure actually prevents many people from experimenting with their sexual repertoire. Do not panic! Most sexual positions are really small variations of quite familiar positions. Slight and subtle changes in body angles, depth of penetration are what make the difference.

However to really add sexual variety to your sex life, you can change more than what you do sexually. Changing the position, the context, the routine, the props and your attitude can help you build up the confidence to be and feel different about who you are sexually and enable you to explore more of who you can be and what you could do.

Below are 5 suggestions about how to widen your repertoire without it seeming like en effort. There is nothing too complex and no intricate manoeuvres to remember. It is more a reminder that it is not difficult to add variety to your sex life without panicking.

THE POSITION: THE SPLIT LEVEL is a variation of the missionary position and it is very simple. What's good about it is that it allows you both to play with different angles and depths of penetration. All you need to do is for the woman to slide down the bed so her bottom is just on the bed. The man stands or kneels in front of her and, when inside her, he can adjust the angle of her pelvis to explore how it feels for both of you when the penis is stimulating different areas of the vagina. In order to make use of the opportunity for more flexibility of penetration, he should not lean his full weight on top of her, but try to keep upright. Depending on your heights and the height of your bed, you will need to experiment with cushions/pillows under the woman to make penetration possible.

THE ATTITUDE: TO KNOW YOUR DESIRES means that you can choose to enter into a sexual encounter with a definite intention, one that makes you feel powerful, giving and playful (or however it is you want to feel specifically). Know that sex is not your enemy. You do not have to 'get it right' all the time or pass a test. All you need to do is turn up and be open to creating and communicating the kind of sexual experience that you want to have.

THE CONTEXT: BE SPONTANEOUS when it feels right. Instead of racking your brains to come up with a new position or technique, why not focus more on the context of your sexual encounters and do something that you know you really love but in an unusual context. This could be in a different room, in a different place (in/outdoors) or at a different time of day/night. The important thing is to act on your desires and ensure that you are having sex at a time when you really want to have it.

THE ROUTINE: CHANGE THE ORDER OF WHAT YOU DO can really help because it is easy to get stuck in a familiar pattern of sexual activity that becomes tired, irritating and automatic. Instead of making everything about penetration, why not focus on giving each other some intense and teasing oral sex in between. Get some lube out and really focus on giving and receiving different sexual sensations.

THE PROP: MIRROR MIRROR on the wall or in your hand. This may not appeal to everyone but some people will really get off on watching themselves and their partner. Why? Because some people respond very intensely to the exhibitionist/voyeuristic dynamic. Also, although it might seem like the worst thing to do if you have concerns about your body, if you only do it when you are extremely aroused, you may begin to recognise that feeling intense sexual desire tends to make negative scrutiny and judgement irrelevant.

When you feel that something is wrong with your sex life, typically your anxiety increases and your confidence plummets. You become less willing to experiment with trying something different because sexual 'failure' feels like a disaster, something that could not be coped with. I hope that this short article helps you to recognise that making consistent changes to your sex life involves more than learning a new technique. Challenging your own attitudes is key and realising that sexual 'failure' is impossible when you are playing and not performing at sex.