UK Sex Coach, Sex Coaching

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IN THIS ISSUE

Dr Tara's Top Tip - Stop Criticising

Warning Signs - you need relationship coaching!

The Sex Question - what do I like/enjoy about myself? . . . .

Working with Me

WELCOME TO THE FEBRUARY ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE

THE RELATIONSHIPS ISSUE

Hello to all my lovely regulars and a warm welcome to all newbies. I hope you enjoy this month's newsletter.

This month you can learn:

how to create a happier relationship by changing how you act and react
understand the 5 most common signals that mean your relationship probably feels more like coupledoom than coupledom.
The sex question allows you to immerse yourself in healing, radiant and positive feelings about your partner and your relationship. It is Valentine's month, after all.

For any of my single readers, next month's issue is just for you.

NEW FOR 2008

THE UK SEX COACH SEX, SELF AND SPIRIT COACHING PROGRAMME

· The package is designed to take you step-by-step through a comprehensive evaluation of your life, your self, your sex life and your relationship. This programme of 10 coaching sessions is a challenging, life-changing and enjoyable way to engage with your sexual and emotional spirit with a sense of optimism, purpose and joy. We achieve this by exploring the balance in your life between sex, self and spirit.

More information is available at my website on this link http://uksexcoach.com/fees-and-services.htm

Increasingly often, people are coming to me wanting to undertake a major re-assessment of themselves and their sexual lives. They want to live up to their ideas of who they can be and explore a new realm of their sexual and emotional potential. SEX, SELF and SPIRIT works through a combination of your action and reflection. I will support you in entering a new arena of feeling and understanding of who you are, what you want, what drives you, how you might be stopping yourself and, crucially, what to do about it.

SEX, SELF and SPIRIT works through a combination of your action and reflection. During each session we apply your particular situation to the session theme and come up with different options for feeling, thinking and behaving that move you into a completely new arena of feeling and understanding of who you are, what you want, how you might be stopping yourself and what to do about it.

The total cost of the 10 session programme is £630 (9 sessions at £70 and the 10^th session is FREE). This is payable at a rate of £210 a month for 3 months or for a reduced rate of £600 in total if the whole programme is paid for in advance.

A SPECIAL OFFER TO SUBSCRIBERS TO VENTURESQUE

If you tell me when booking that you found Sex, Self and Spirit through reading my newsletter the cost of the programme is reduced to £570 in total payable by 3 monthly payments of £190 or £550 if the whole programme is paid for in advance.

That's equivalent to 10 sessions for £55 per session.

OFFER VALID UNTIL END OF MARCH 2008.

This offer reflects my gratitude to you, my readers. This coaching programme offers a unique opportunity to pursue personal growth and sexual and emotional change at an extremely affordable rate.

Find out more at this link http://uksexcoach.com/fees-and-services.htm

Contact me at tara@aragoncoaching.co.uk if you would like to discuss your suitability for this programme.

DR TARA'S TOP TIP - STOP CRITICISING

Criticism, nagging and finding fault are things many of us do to our partner on a daily basis, perhaps without even being aware of it. The effects on the other person are to cause resentment, foster competitiveness and to weaken the sense of goodwill you have towards your partner and your relationship. Making each other feel accepted is an important aspect of happy relationships. You do not have a right to dictate everything that your partner does and says, even though some of us act as if our partner should fit in completely with our values, beliefs and share all of our opinions.

If you often find fault with things that your partner does (or doesn't do) you are communicating that s/he is not OK as they are and inferring that your way is best and that they had better change to be more like you.

Your task?

For 1 day, commit to saying only positive things that radiate your gratitude, approval and enjoyment of your partner. Say nothing negative about your partner - nothing at all. This task requires YOU to change as an experiment to see how it feels for you to do this. Instead of looking for problems, you are looking for pleasure, communication, understanding, tolerance and acceptance.

Try half a day if a whole day seems totally overwhelming. Some of my clients get really good at this and commit to days, a whole week. It is a helpful exercise because it involves 2 key coaching beliefs: (1) change yourself, not other people and (2) focus on what you enjoy about the other person and not on what you think is wrong with them.

Warning! You need relationship coaching

Coaching people to create happier and more fulfilling relationships is part of what I do as a sex coach. The fundamental change that needs to be made is within you. When you look at the roles you choose to play with your partner and the contributions you make to generating and perpetuating conflict, then you can make things change.

I have picked out 5 very common errors of thinking: ways of looking at your relationship that keep you stuck in repeated patterns of anger, blame and resentment. You may get to fuel your self-righteousness and sense of injustice but you will not get to make things better.

1. Our relationship is in trouble all because of my partner (it's all his/her fault)

It is often tempting to believe that the other person is the problem, not us. When you feel stuck in a bad relationship, it can seem as if things would be better if only. If only . . . . s/he would change something about what they say or do (do more domestic chores, spend less time with their friends, stop giving attention to other men/women) then everything will be alright. As long as you deny your own responsibility, nothing is going to change.

2. You would rather be right than be understanding.

Situations in which you are both in competition rather than in partnership set the stage for endless repetition of arguments about the same sorts of things, which then unfold in a predictably unproductive pattern. This suggests that both of you are entrenched in seeing things from your own point of view. If you are not willing to listen to your partner's perspective, sooner or later you may find that they no longer have anything to say to you.

3.You cannot find a sense of good will to want to work things out.

Studies have shown that the key characteristic of relationships that thrive is simply goodwill - continuing to want the best for each other despite your disagreements and misunderstandings. For relationships to be mended, at least one of you (initially) needs to find within yourself a feeling of graciousness and good intention. If you are so angry, resentful and frustrated you cannot even find the will to want things to be better, your relationship is in real trouble until you remember how to find your compassionate side.

4. You criticise your partner to friends and share very intimate concerns with them.

This many not always be a sign of immanent danger, but I have found that a number of clients discovered that their unhappiness was fuelled by rather than soothed by discussing their partner's behaviour with other people. Friends usually want to reinforce the way we feel and rarely challenge our own behaviour. Your relationship issues are between you and your partner only. Asking for other people's opinion is fine (I'm not saying never discuss anything with your friends if your partner is upsetting you) but don't make your partner's failings your favourite topic - you are undermining your own feelings for him/her and making it less likely that you will try to change yourself.

5.You never take the time to look at things from your partner's point of view.

Although we like to believe that our interpretation, our relationship 'truth' is the only and right way to see things, we each of us have different versions of the truth. Do you ever listen to how your partner feels? Sometimes we think we do but closer examination helps us to realise that we actually dismiss, deny or trivialise our partner's issues. Listening to any criticism without becoming defensive is not easy but is possible.

To create and keep harmony, you need to retain goodwill, listen to your partner's viewpoint, accept him/her as they are (and not as you want them to be) or if you do not want to accept - think about moving on. You do not need to stop being assertive and clear about what is and is not acceptable but you do need to be able to make change happen, not by force, but by choice.

THE SEX QUESTION

Each month I will be sending you off with a sex question to ask. Sometimes it will be something to get you thinking about your own sexual style and attitudes and only you will be able to answer it. Other times the question can work as aid to sexual communication and help you to become more confident discussing sex with your partner.

WHAT DO I LIKE/ENJOY ABOUT MYSELF, MY PARTNER AND IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?

Two questions this week but two good ones! I use them a lot with people who do not have major conflict with their partner but who come to me to help them help their partner to change. Often, to begin coaching, I help people to establish an attitude of goodwill, acceptance and tolerance towards their partner. This is the best place from which to begin making change possible. You cannot force change upon someone else. You can change yourself and see how your partner reacts to the new dynamic that you have established.

These questions make you concentrate on what your partner brings out in you and what they bring to your life. It makes clear that the dynamic of you, your partner and the relationship you have made together is special and unique. What about finding all the good parts?

What do I like/enjoy about myself with my partner?

Everybody brings out different things in us. If you are in a long-term relationship and feeling a somewhat bitter and hopeless about your partner, there is a good chance that you have just got too attached to being right and have forgotten why you are together at all.

Write at least 30 things. Who does your partner allow you to be? What were you like before you met your partner? How have you grown when with them?

What do I like about myself in this relationship?

Throughout this relationship, what have you achieved, enjoyed, tried out, been moved by? How do you feel about yourself, your capabilities, your goals, attractiveness, intelligence, your ability to make other people laugh, your mothering /fathering abilities. How have they supported, encouraged you?

Write at least 30 things.

What do I enjoy about my partner?

To complete this process, choose 30 things that you love, admire, respect, enjoy, find fascinating, adorable about your partner. Isolate what makes them special to you.

If you spend some time answering these questions and find 90 great things about you, your partner and your relationship, how do you think you are going to feel?