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WELCOME TO THE JULY ISSUE OF VENTURESQUE
 THE FACT-FINDING ISSUE
July has been a wet but largely happy month. It is the months of children's parties and looking back on a hard and emotional year. I have way more energy than I have done and feel just about ready to think about arranging a nursery for Eden. This is something I have been putting off and I've been blogging about this here
http://venturesque.typepad.com/venturesque/
This month I am sharing some information that I hope will be useful for some of you out there.
My TOP TIP is to familiarise yourself with some facts about penis size and the relevance of this for sexual pleasure.
The main article has some facts about sex and sexuality that may interest you.
In my ongoing efforts to increase sexual awareness everywhere, the Sex Question asks you to write a very special letter! |
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NEW FOR SUMMER 2009 - LASER COACHING SESSIONS
30 MINUTES COACHING SESSIONS FOR £35
I started offering laser sessions to clients who wanted to continue coaching with me but needed a more affordable option. Originally I thought only to offer this as an option to current clients who had been working with me for a while but, due to some good successes with this method of coaching, I now want to extend it to brand new clients.
We would need an introductory call first (free!) to determine whether your situation is suitable to this type of coaching. I may decide that one initial one hour session is necessary before we begin the very focused coaching work, to ensure that you get the best value out of our work together.
Laser coaching works well with people who have very specific issues that they want to address and who like and are stimulated by focused and intense conversations.
DETAILS OF MY COACHING SERVICES AND MY
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 DR TARA'S TOP TIP : DOES SIZE MATTER? KNOW YOUR FACTS!
Many men fret about the size of their penis. Some men do get sucked in to equating penis size with the quality of sexual pleasure that can be achieved. This is simply untrue.
The majority of erect penises vary little in size and girth. The average penis length is about 6 inches when erect and the average girth is slightly under 5 inches. Almost all men have a penis that is entirely able to 'satisfy' a woman, even if it does not match up to men's ideal penis size. I have found that obsessing about penis size often represents a wider spectrum of problems; inexperience, lack of sexual confidence and unrealistic expectations. It is really the thoughts and feelings that you have about your penis that is the problem. Many clients have an uneasy and problematic relationship with their penises. As long as it 'performs', everything is OK. As soon as there is the slightest disobedience (not getting an erection, coming 'too soon') the penis becomes a receptacle of fear, anger, bitterness and anxiety. Men seem to be encouraged to see their penis as part of them but as also something separate, with a mind of its own. Hence, many men forget that what their penis does or doesn't do is a message, an indication that things are great or very very wrong. Listen to what your penis tells you instead of berating yourself for failing to live up to unrealistic expectations.
Most men forget that it doesn't matter how long or how short your penis is because the vagina can accommodate itself to any length. When aroused, a woman's vagina usually extends to a length of about 5-6 inches, which means most penises will fill a vagina completely. It is possible for a vagina to accommodate virtually any length of penis though, as it has an amazing ability to lengthen when excited. Having a very big penis is not so simple. Men with larger penises need to arouse their partner properly and enter her gradually, otherwise deep thrusting can result in banging up against the cervix - not an entirely pleasant experience.
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SEX 'FACTS' 7 THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU DIDN'T KNOW
1. Vaginal lubrication doesn't necessarily means she's turned on. Some women get wetter than others and being physiologically aroused is not always a sign of subjective arousal, actually feeling turned on. Lubrication also varies according to menstrual cycle, stress levels, breastfeeding and any medications you may be taking. So, for instance, some men rely on licking the vagina to make it wet, but the resulting wetness is not necessarily a sign that the woman is feeling very aroused.
2. Penetration does not always mean the same thing sexually for men and women
There can be a disconnection between how it feels for a men to penetrate a woman and how this feels for her. When a man has intercourse with a woman, the sensation of his penis entering her body is so intense for most men that it can be difficult for them to realise that it may not be as mindblowing for her. The inside of the vagina is less sensitive than the outer parts. Also, deep thrusting may not feel so intense on the receiving end, especially if it goes on for too long. When women tell men that penetration isn't everything, they may actually mean it!
3. How long is long enough?
Very deep thrusting can become quite unpleasant if it goes on and on and on. There is little point in trying to continue until she has an orgasm, as most women will not orgasm in this way. Surveys indicate that most men ejaculate after about 2 to 3 minutes of thrusting but think that women want about 10 to 15 minutes. Women tend to report that about 7 to 8 minutes of thrusting would be ideal, with 13 minutes being the maximum desired by any individual woman.
4. Don't worry about what you look like
Dr Helen Fisher from Rutgers University in USA conducted research into sexual attitudes, feelings and behaviours. She found that men don't notice most of what women obsess about when it comes to perceived flaws in their appearance. When it comes to sexual pleasure and satisfaction, men attach far more importance to their partner's energy, enthusiasm and interest in him than they do to the size of her breasts, stomach or thighs. The message doesn't seem to be getting through though. Dove, the beauty company, polled 3300 girls about appearance, 90% said they would like to change something about the way they look and 25% would consider cosmetic surgery.
5. Muscles not such a turn-on
Actors, models and athletes are becoming more muscular than they used to be, leading to a shift in men's perceptions of what women find attractive in a man. A study by Harvard Medical School found that Western women consistently rated as more attractive a man of average build over a musclebound one. Men surveyed expected that women would show a marked preference for male bodies with 20 to 30% more muscle than average.
6. About 10% of women have never had an orgasm either alone or with a partner. The reasons for this are likely to be drawn from past sexual trauma, lack of knowledge and experience, guilt, shame around masturbation, lack of interest in sex and sexual matters. Why do I mention this? It seems a bit sad to me but is this just me projecting my feelings onto everyone else?
7. What's the best sexual position, top or bottom?
Well, it depends on your objective. The missionary position is usually the most commonly enjoyed position. It is good for men as it allows powerful and controlled thrusting. It is not so good for men who are trying to delay ejaculation and last a little longer, precisely because it is so sexually stimulating for the penis. It is not likely to help women in terms of orgasm due to the way the penis and clitoris align when in this position. Its appeal to women is more likely due to the emotional connection of being face-to-face and the intimacy you can share looking into your partner's eyes when having sex.
Anatomically, the position that best suits women in terms of orgasm is woman on top. This is less stimulating for men, who may be able to last longer. Emotionally many women feel vulnerable and uncomfortable that their bodies are so visible to their partner and dislike this position, even though it affords women the greatest ability to control pace and speed and angle of thrusting.
As always, the logic of sexual anatomy alone cannot determine which positions we find the most enjoyable, exciting and fulfilling. We each bring our own unique sexual style and essence made up of our desires, needs, fantasies, anxieties, fears, hang-ups and dominant and submissive dynamic to sex, which feeds into our sexual pleasure over and above the positions of our bodies.
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 THE SEX QUESTION - What would you write in a letter to your penis/vagina?
This is a classic sex therapist exercise and one that I love - because it is so damn enlightening, once people get over the giggling and discomfort of actually doing it.
Many of us have a troubled relationship with our genitals. They are part of us but somehow, when things go wrong, not us. Changing someone's relationship to their sexual parts is an important part of the work that I do. To view our sexual organs merely in terms of how they function is a recipe for disappointment, frustration and lowered self-esteem. So, give in to this exercise and I feel tempted to say I can guarantee that you will learn something valuable.
Usually I ask 2 specific questions. From the point of view of your penis or vagina, answer:
How does X (insert own name) treat me?
How could X treat me better?
Sexuality is about working with, not against, your sexual self (your desires, your body, your sexual parts) and so developing a mindset of understanding and tolerance will mean that sexual setbacks are not so catastrophic because you can see them as a message, a warning from your self/your body that something is not right and not as a a sign of sexual failure. |
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 WHO AM I?
You have been reading a newsletter lovingly crafted by me, Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. I work as a sex, relationship and singles coach.
Sex coaching helps you to make sex about pleasure not performance. You can increase your confidence, calm your sexual anxieties, explore your sexual style and remove the emotional and physical blocks that might reduce your capacity for sexual and sensual pleasure. I work with people who have chosen to do all that they can to make their ideal sex life a reality.
Relationship coaching helps you to communicate more successfully, reduces conflict and enables you to understand your own and your partner's needs, priorities and desires by working out what's not working, what needs to change and how to move forward. It is also about fun and excitement and discovering things about yourself and each other that you never knew. My clients are people who feel that something important is missing from their relationship and who often aren't sure whether the relationship is worth saving.
Singles coaching will help you to reflect upon the role that you want a relationship to play in the new and exciting life that you will make for yourself. Are YOU ready for a relationship? Well find out. I work with people who want to build their self-knowledge, self-esteem and to massively increase their confidence, optimism, purpose and joy in life.
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO WORK WITH ME?
I coach individuals and couples to get in touch with what makes them sexually happy, confident and fulfilled, resolve relationship dissatisfactions and help you to discover a life full of hope, passion and purpose.
Sex, relationship and singles coaching helps you to examine your life, your relationship (or lack of one) and sexual satisfaction and enables you to bring back optimism, courage and direction to the sex life you create and the person you want to become.
GET YOUR SELF, YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR SEX LIFE BACK IN BALANCE.
Get in touch with me now to arrange a free consultation.
If you know that your sex life is making you feel frustrated and frustrating, bored and boring, undesirable and without desire, then get in touch to arrange a time for us to talk. I offer a free 20-30 minute consultation, in which we can get to know each other better and decide how well we might work together.
Almost all sexual problems are resolvable when you face up to where your sex life is going wrong. You can choose not to settle for second-best and to make your sex life about confidence, pleasure and play rather than sadness, resentment and disappointment.
I would love to hear any comments, suggestions about issues you would like to read about in future and I am happy to answer reader questions in future newsletters.
I will never limit your sexual potential and fully support all forms of sexual behaviour between consenting adults.
I WOULD LIKE TO ENLIST YOUR HELP IN BUILDING MY READERSHIP.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS EMAIL USING THE LINK BELOW TO ANY PEOPLE YOU THINK WILL BE INTERESTED. |
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