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 DR TARA'S TOP TIP - CAT: COITAL ALIGNMENT TECHNIQUE
The C.A.T. is both a position and a technique and is quite possibly THE best opportunity for clitoral stimulation during penetration. I am not going to pretend that it's easy because it just isn't. Perfecting this technique takes practice and commitment, but if it works for you it is fabulous. It was developed in the 1990s by Edward Eichel, an American psychotherapist. His research showed an increase in intercourse orgasms for women and as well as an increase in simultaneous orgasms.
Instead of making penetration all about the internal vaginal stimulation provided by thrusting, the emphasis is changed to the external sensation of clitoral pressure and counterpressure. The main difference is that you need to use your pelvis to move and not your legs and arms and the man will need to get used to resisting his urge to thrust. It may be best to practice with no expectation of getting it right the first time. Keep your clothes on and try and get the hang of the motion.
- Begin in a basic missionary position.
- His body is going to move up her body so that both of your pelvises are level and the tip of his penis is inside the vaginal entrance.
- The shaft of the penis presses against her mons/pubic mound area.
- His legs need to be straight out and together. Her legs are resting on his calves.
- He must rest his full weight on her and not stay up on his elbows. He rests on her with his arms cupping her shoulders (his arms are under her armpits and then cupping up over the shoulders).
- It's a rocking and rolling motion that is needed here. She leads on the UPWARD movement, pushing upwards with her pelvis, which forces his pelvis back although both of you remain in contact. During the upwards stroke, the penis enters the vagina more fully.
- The DOWNWARD stroke simply reverses this. He next pushes down with his pelvis and she keeps her pelvis against his. This means that her clitoris gets pressure from the base of the penis.
- Vaginal penetration is shallower on the downward movement.
- The motion is a slow give-release of pressure coupled with constant pressure on the clitoris. As one of you pushes, the other resists. Keep your pace slow, consistent and steady.
It's not easy but it easier when you are actually doing it rather than reading it.
As well as being suitable for heterosexual couples, this technique also works for lesbians, with the help of a strap-on dildo.
I would hate for you to go into this pinning all hopes of an orgasm on it. The most helpful attitude is the same as always - curiosity. Don't make it into a pass/fail activity. Ensure that it's an experiment and if it doesn't work for you, then so what? Some people find they can't be bothered and find it feels weird and don't they don't like the motion involved. I've put it out as something for you to try. Not something you 'should' try. If you google the term, you can doubtless find a picture somewhere that might help you work out what to do in case you are getting confused. |
 DISCOVER YOUR SEXUAL MOTIVATIONS
What motivates you to want to be sexual? Think back over your last few sexual experiences; what did you want to express when you thought that you wanted sex?
Working with my clients has led me to believe that many sexual difficulties arise and are reinforced by us not always understanding what we want when we think we want sex. If sex is repeatedly used to meet other needs, then problems, frustrations and resentment may build up and begin to sap you of your sexual confidence, your self-esteem and your sexual enjoyment.
There are no right or wrong reasons to have sex and the reasons that we decide to be sexual are complex and varied. It is your sexual habits and patterns that are important and how big a burden sex is made to carry in your life and relationships. I have grouped together some of the typical motivations that people give me and what I ask you to do is take a look and see if any seem familiar to you.
Your partner's desire. Yes someone else's desire can ignite your own desire. Absolutely, it can. I have a caveat though. If you are always waiting for a partner to initiate sex, it is very common for the other person to begin to feel resentful. They never get to feel desired and you are making someone else responsible for when you have sex. None of these are going to promote great sex and an equal sexual partnership. However, worse than the effects upon your partner are the consequences for your sexual expression. You do need to get used to feeling and responding to your own desire if you are to build up and use your sexual confidence to create a sex life that fulfils and inspires you.
Meeting other emotional needs. Probably sexual desire is always a mixture of differing, possibly conflicting, feelings and needs and no, it is never 'wrong' to be want sex because you feel lonely, disconnected or you want to express warmth or affection. There are endless emotional needs that can get confused with sexual needs. The need to express intimacy, affection, warmth, comfort, to feel emotionally connected, to counteract loneliness, stress, to communicate that you are angry, hostile, resentful even. Using sexual expression to mask your emotional needs can be destructive and kill off your desire. Whether you want to express affection or anger, if you have sex when you don't really want sex, then how good is it going to be? Maybe fine for a while but the fact is that your underlying emotional needs are not being addressed and will have to bubble to the surface eventually unless you find a clearer way to express how you feel.
Trying to prove something. This can involve proving something to yourself and/or to other people. Sex as a way to prove something is a tremendously dangerous strategy, since it presupposes the possibility of 'failure' if you fail the test that you have set for yourself. Motivations within this category would include having sex to prove you are desirable, to demonstrate your sexual competence/prowess, to boost your reputation, to be as 'masculine' or 'sexy' as your mates, to fit in or to prove that you can have an erection/orgasm. There is a lack of honesty here in your sexual expression and a high level of desperation, both of which are likely to leave you unsatisfied even if you 'pass'. Your underlying insecurities are probably not going to be satisfied for long and you will need to go out and 'prove' the same thing over and over again.
Social/peer pressure and expectations are implicated in many unhappy sexual encounters. Clients have told me that they can trace sexual problems back to getting into a pattern of having sex just because they felt they ought to. Both men and women have reported entering into a sexual relationship way before they really wanted to but because they thought that the other person expected them to and / or they lacked the confidence to give an honest and open account of how they were feeling. Couples who are together for a while can get into a habit of being sexual because they believe too long has passed since they last had sex. Sometimes this works and trying to manufacture desire can kickstart a fulfilling sexual experience. Sometimes developing a focus on sex that is dictated by assumptions of what is the appropriate frequency can spiral both of you into lacklustre and mechanical sexual experiences.
Intense physical desire/release. This is all about acting from your own desire. You take the responsibility to recognise and act upon feeling that you want to be sexual. Maybe sexual desire can never be a 'pure' physical desire for sexual connection/release. Can you remember times when you felt that you wanted sex for the sake of sex? That seems to be the closest way I could describe this last reason. This covers times when who you had sex with was not as important as getting the opportunity to be sexual and times when the identity of your partner is important and you feel a need to connect with them physically without necessarily making it all about intimacy and affection.
What patterns of motivational confusion did you relate to? I am not suggesting that sex can and should always be about sex for the sake of sex or that you should never have sex to express comfort and warmth to another person. However if you cannot recognise intense desire as a reason that you ever have sex, then it could be time to reconnect to your sexuality and get to explore the part of you that can - and is quite capable, however out of practice - celebrate and enjoy your sexuality.
If sex has to carry the weight of unmet emotional needs, your anxieties and insecurities as well as social/cultural expectations, then you are likely to find that your sex life has ceased to be fun, playful and enjoyable and has become an ordeal and a burden that you no longer wish to carry. |
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 THE SEX QUESTION
Each month I will be sending you off with a sex question to ask. Sometimes it will be something to get you thinking about your own sexual style and attitudes and only you will be able to answer it. Other times the question can work as aid to sexual communication and help you to become more confident discussing sex with your partner.
ARE YOU MORE COMFORTABLE BEING DESIRED OR FEELING DESIRABLE?
Finding an answer to this question has enabled many of my clients to gain insight and knowledge that has helped them to work through their sexual difficulties. Your answers to this question indicate where you locate your sexual power and how comfortable you feel as subject and object of desire.
What feelings and emotions come to mind when I ask you to write down how it feels to experience intense desire?
How would you describe what it feels like to know that you are desired?
Are you comfortable with your feelings? Do you feel locked into your sexual power, free and confident? Or do you feel undeserving, unworthy, worried how long it is going to be before you are caught out and discovered as a sexual 'fraud', who is really not as attractive as might have been thought.
Compare your responses to both questions.
Does either question promote intense anxiety about what you can do with this desire or how to respond to it?
When you reflect upon your responses, the main insights may revolve around issues of responsibility, power, self-acceptance/self-knowledge and sexual confidence.
Some people find that they are much happier to be desired although they can also see that relying on others to 'lend' you an unstable sexual confidence that belongs to them, not you, means you are vulnerable to needing repeated validation.
Others find a path of sexual confidence through celebrating and acknowledging the pleasure that is generated by feeling desire, without necessarily having to act on it.
Other people find it hard to trust in and have difficulty recognising their own desire. They find it embarrassing to be desired and overly responsible for having to meet or reject another person's sexual desire.
Both ways of experiencing the presence of sexual desire in your life can be immensely pleasurable and empowering. However, if you rely on someone else to let you know that you are attractive, then you are giving away your sexual power and you become vulnerable to desires that are not your own. You can then only BE desirable if you have constant proof of this and, without this attention, you may feel tremendously anxious and scared. | |
THE DESIRE ISSUE